You know that it’s your time
These are the best years of our lives
Just raise your glasses high
This one’s for you tonight
Sorry, I can’t discuss this show without first breaking the ice with the iconic chorus of Dena Deadly‘s Raise Your Glass, a pretty shit song on its own, but played against ten seasons of these shallow basics abusing each other and claiming they’re “friends” is both hauntingly sad and caustically funny. Sad because a lot of these people desperately need help but will probably never get it due to the unlimited life lines they no doubt gained being on such a popular reality show. Funny because everyone here is so self unaware and drunk off their own hype that this might as well be a show about cartoon kangaroos living in a licorice cabin. Would be about the same level of nuts.
I don’t know if any of them can truly hit rock bottom, maybe Kristen since she’s off the show now. Jax maybe, when Brittany eventually has her family kill him. That’s my Season 15 prediction, it’s going to look like an accident too (probably falling down stairs) but I’ll know it was a hit. I’m also predicting Kristen shoots Carter Janice Soprano-style after an argument and then panics and calls Stassi and Beau to help dispose of the body via The Meatery at Schwartz & Sandy’s meat slicer. That’s my Season 20 prediction! That Kristen will kill someone and that by that point and that Sandoval & Schwartz will have opened a butcher shop for high end meat products. Instead of a picture of Sandy & Schwartz kissing, there will be a painting of that steak danglin’ out of Schwartzie‘s butthole displayed in the meat store.
Anyway, I have no idea how I’m going to wait several months for Season 11. I’m addicted, I feel like I’ve been sent to summer camp away from my friends. I need more Vanderpump Rules!
Season 5
Big Events:
- New Orleans Bachelor Drag Meltdown
- Katie & Schwartz‘s Wedding + Lisa‘s TomTom tease
- Jax starts a rumor about Kristen eating Brittany‘s vagina
- Jax proposes to Brittany
- James Kennedy has sex with a man (ALLEGEDLY, BUT COME ON)
- Scheana and Shay get divorced
This season begins with television’s biggest bonehead, Jax Taylor, spreading a rumor about his own girlfriend getting head from Kristen Doute. Apparently, he walked into a room and Kristen was whistlin’ downtown in Brittany‘s wheat field. This pisses off Brittany, TO NO SURPRISE, who denies it so passionately that it just had to have happened. Mostly she’s pissed King Shit Stirrer (Jax) would spread a rumor about her of all people. Like, how did he expect to get away with this??
On the other side of things, James Kennedy is trying to apologize for pissing everyone off by saying mean things. This guy is such a prick, but look, he’s the best shit talker on the show and his insults are both creative and disgusting, and hit deep, real fucking deep. He’s a total asshole, the obvious product of parents who were overgrown children themselves, so you feel bad for him but at the same time he’s smart enough to know what he’s doing is wrong. That being said, I’d probably pay to have James Kennedy bully me for a night. I’d be laughing so hard I might asphyxiate.
BUT HEY – The rumor that James Kennedy had sex with his and Lala‘s friend Logan comes out when Logan spills the beans to Brittany‘s family during a wild Uber ride. Eventually, Logan admits to lying about the claims but it happens in a way where you don’t quite buy it. It seems likely that James got Logan to rescind the claims by preying on how in love Logan is with him. Later on in Season ? (I don’t know, they all fucking run together now), Lala tells Raquel that Logan is a “good fucking friend” for lying/covering for James and that she was there for conversations/deals between the two that went like “I’ll suck your — for (blank) if you (blank).” Can’t see why Lala would lie about this, I’m confused what her advantage would be.
Anyway, I don’t know if anything on this show has topped the New Orleans Drag Bachelor Party meltdown over Schwartz allegedly being emotionally abused by his betrothed, Katie. This three episode arc packs so much heat in it you’d think it was a big ol’ bowl of chicken gumbo. “He’s a fucking battered wife!” screams Sandoval in drag, tears and mascara streaming down his Alfred E. Neuman-with-a-squirt-of-botox lookin’ face. Ariana, perhaps the only sane person on the show, is also along for the boys’ bachelor trip while what transpires amongst the Stassi-led ladies group is far less interesting. During a gator tour, the boys have a good cry over Schwartzie and later on Kristen Doute tries to plant the seed in Schwartz‘s mind about him possibly cheating on Katie. He barely remembers making out with another woman but goddamn can Kristen add flame to the fire, she’s a big ol’ squeeze bottle of Kingsford.
Eventually, things settle down, Katie stops making comments about Schwartz‘s broken dick, and the two get married. But the fun doesn’t stop there – Lisa Vanderpump and Sandoval give Schwartzie the ultimate wedding present – news that Lisa wants both boys as business partners for a new bar called TomTom, inspired by the boys’ friendship. A glimmer of hope to close out this explosive season of chaos. As they saw in Nawlins, Laissez les bon temps ruler! These are the best years of our lives, after all.
SIDE NOTE – SUMMER HOUSE RULES FUCKING SUCKS AND I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DEDICATE AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF VPR TO THESE BORING, BORING BUTT TURDS. THEY ARE TURDS STRAIGHT FROM BRAVO’S FAT BUTT AND I HATE THEM.
Season Grade: 4 out of 5 stolen SUR forks
Season 6
Big Events:
- Audio surfaces of Jax telling Faith he’ll never marry or have kids with Brittany, minutes after having sex with Faith, at Brittany and Jax‘s housewarming party
- Lisa has second thoughts about TomTom
- James and Kristen may have hooked up on Jax’s Mexico Birthday Trip
- Stassi dates a total asshole
- A famous fashion guy calls Katie “fat”
- Jax dumps Brittany “for her own good”
WOW. This season begins with a thud so loud, nothing that follows is able to come close to matching it. Jax cheated on Brittany, ya’ll – the women who apparently turned his crooked ass around. He cheated on her…WITH FAITH! Remember her? Longtime SUR server and friend to almost every cast member, she seemed chill AF. She (just like Kristina Kelly) didn’t seem like she had any interest in being on show. I always thought that made her more normal, but man, she saw an opportunity to nail Jax‘s scrotes to the chopping block so Brittany could just slice away. It’s bad, and although Jax denies it at first he eventually comes clean to Brittany. She’s a wreck and hates him, but just when she’s finally forgiving him…
AUDIO SURFACES OF FAITH AND JAX TALKING POST-NUT ABOUT HOW JAX HAS NO INTEREST IN MARRYING OR HAVING IN KIDS WITH BRITTANY. Jax also says how Faith is the best sexy time he’s ever had. It’s no doubt painful, hurtful audio that for some reason we as the audience weren’t allowed to hear. I imagine something legal or dumb like that, but we later find out it was James Kennedy who leaked it, the tricky little devil. The audio is revealed to Brittany by Ariana and Lala during a housewarming party her and Jax are throwing. Brittany goes nuts and plays the audio via Bluetooth for the whole party. It’s an EXPLOSIVE moment worthy of the Bard’s best work. Of course, this all means jack shit cause Brittany just forgives Jax‘s sorry ass again.
The big mid-season trip is Jax‘s stupid birthday party in Mexico where James Kennedy of all people manages to score an invite…as well as generate the juiciest drama of the trip. Apparently he hooks up with his ex, Kristen Doute, during the trip based on them going off together late at night and the way pillows are arranged in the hot tub area. Jax, an apparent aficionado of jacuzzi sex, says he recognizes the pillow formation on the edge of the hot tub and it could only mean one thing – people banged there. But who was in the hot tub? MOTHERFUCKIN’ JAMES KENNEDY. Jax fuels the rumor and it all comes to a head at a Mexican dinner where Kristen throws a drink in James‘ face to everyone’s anger and disgust. I guess that’s one thing you don’t do – throw a drink in someone’s face. On VPR, you can cheat all you want apparently, but please don’t throw beverages. James and Kristen both deny the sex took place, though James teases it out like maybe it did happen, but based on the way things fold out it makes me think it absolutely did not happen. But that’s just one boy’s opinion.
What else??
Stassi dates this guy Patrick who is maybe the biggest gaping asshole the show has ever seen. In a scene that made me want to punch my television, this smug cockdouche uses $5 college words to confuse Stassi during an argument like “myiopic” or some shit. He later sexually harrasses Lisa Vanderpump while talking down to her and shitting on her empire. This guy needs to be disappeared. I don’t care how much Stassi‘s precocious little brother likes him. This Patrick guy has got to go.
Also, this famous fashion guy calls Katie fat.
Lisa also expresses doubts to Sandoval and Schwartz about them being involved with TomTom cause they’re dumb man babies.
The season ends with Jax breaking up with Brittany “for her own good”, which can either be the best or worst decision this sun cured meat head has ever made.
Season Grade: 3.5 out of 5 jacuzzi sex pillows
Season 7
Big Events:
- Katie gets James fired from SUR
- Jax proposes to Brittany
- Stassi gets a wonderful new boyfriend
- Kristen goes absolutely apeshit on a trip to wine country
- Billie Lee clashes with Katie & Lala over being excluded from “Girls Night”
- Lala calls Raquel a twat
- TomTom finally opens
Season 7 definitely dips a bit in quality from the previous two seasons. Mostly because of the extreme focus on Brittany and Jax. I’m really getting sick of these two. I’ve always disliked Jax (he’s a textbook sociopath) but I find myself like actively rooting against Brittany sometimes. The fact she stays with this dude and expects everybody not to give her shit about being engaged to a dude who would literally fuck a poodle if it gave him bedroom eyes is preposterous. So people aren’t allowed to mention anything bad about your boyfriend? In the whole world? Does the world revolve around you, Brittany? God she’s becoming such an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, James Kennedy is in rare self-destructive form this season, taking out anybody within a 5 mile radius of him in the process. During a SUR DJ set he spins a lyric about Jax fucking Faith (really creative bro) and while it’s certainly distasteful and shows how petty of a wiener man he really is, I think Brittany overreacts a bit. If this had been a personal thing, that’s one thing, but the fact they are on a FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW WATCHED BY MILLIONS OF AMERICANS and thus SUR is frequented by DIE-HARD fans of the show, like what’s the issue here?? I think she mentions that it’s inappropriate to air her and Jax‘s personal business but it’s like…it’s already aired…on Bravo network…for millions of people. Sit down, Kentucky.
James makes a better villain than Brittany though, so this season totally pummels him – he gets fired from SUR, ostracized from the group for calling Katie fat (after she antagonized him – doesn’t excuse it, but it’s important to note) and he also loses See You Next Tuesday, and is replaced by Katie‘s Girl’s Night which ultimately isn’t as successful. Girl’s Night is also controversial because it excludes the show’s only trans character, Billie Lee, who honestly seems like the least dramatic (and most affable) person to hang out with on the whole show. She makes a big issue out of this that I expect has more to do with the fact that Katie, Lala and Stassi get away with murder while Billie‘s friend, James, gets punished for everything. In other words, she recognizes entitled fuckers getting away with shit and she wants to stop it.
In Stassi news, she has a new beau and his name is Beau. He is the only male on the show that isn’t a gaping asshole. He is a sweet, sweet man and honestly brings out the best in Stassi – who it seems is the first of the group to actually change and make strides in growing up. Speaking of NOT making strides in growing up, the group’s resident train accident, Kristen Doute, goes hog shit crazy on a trip to Solvang because her new boyfriend, Carter, is a parasitic mooch driving her further into the depths of totally insane.
I haven’t mentioned Schaena in forever, her storyline is the boringest. That’s not a word but you could argue she’s not even a character anymore.
Season Grade: 3 out 5 Disney Engagement Parties
Season 8
Big Events:
- A bunch of boring new cast members get shoved down our throat
- Everyone gets a new house
- Jax and Brittany become the biggest assholes on the show
- Jax and Sandoval end their friendship
- Kristen and Stassi/Katie end their friendship
- James gets sober
Wow, and I thought Season 7 dipped – Season 8 is hands down the worst season of the show and almost led to me just skipping all the way to #Scandoval. We get all these new characters who stink, let me break down for you:
Dayna – the least worst of the bunch, a stone-cold and sarcastic server who does C+ stand-up on the side. She sleeps with Max and then that goes South when one suspects the other cheated or something, too dumb to look up to confirm, and then she starts trying to maybe date Brett. She elects to leave the show after this season – good move, Dayna, go be an actual person!
Max – a cocky little boy in a man costume, he’s the General Manager of TomTom and a total slut. He fucks everyone and lies about everything. He gets fired the following season for being racist on Twitter.
Brett – a hot new server all the girls want to play tonsil hockey with including Schaena, who becomes stalker obsessed with him and makes him star in a music video with her where she basically molests him. He also gets fired the following season for being racist on Twitter.
Charli – The only new cast member who doesn’t elect to leave or get fired for being a racist, she’s a nice but kinda weird sheltered weirdo who has never eaten pasta. She has a theory though, that pasta might make you gain weight. Nice Charli, I don’t think anyone has figured that out yet.
So, onto the existing cast – everyone gets a new house and they’re all pretty lame. Don’t get me wrong, they’re very very nice houses and obviously cost millions of dollars in Los Angeles, but like they’re box houses with no personalities.
Jax and Brittany also become unbearable in their final season as cast members on the show. Everything leading up to their wedding is all about them in a way where it’s like give me a break, dude. The pastor Brittany and Jax plan to use to marry them ends up being a total bigot and homophobe and it’s pointed out to them multiple times on Twitter but apparently they don’t see it – which is B.S. It’s only when Lisa Vanderpump points it out to them that they confront it and replace their officiator with NSync’s Lance Bass.
I can’t believe I’m about to commend Sandoval, the slimy worm with a mustache behind #scandoval and the dude who attempted to make the Orlando Night Club shootings about him, a straight cis gender male – but Sandoval at least is the only person who voices concern that Jax and Brittany only dropped their preacher when Lisa got involved. Brittany flips out like an self-righteous asshole and Jax flips out like an even bigger asshole. Seriously, how can anyone watch this show and not realize how bigoted Brittany’s family is? Her mom almost had a heart attack at the thought Jax might have kissed another man. Also, when her family is “intimidating” Jax – gross. Fuck Jax, but fuck them just as much. This leads to Jax and Sandoval’s relationship flatlining, which is maybe for the best – for both of them.
This season also ends with Kristen and Stassi and Katie breaking up as friends, their dumb wine company going poof with it. The problem is Stassi and Katie are growing up and becoming sort of adults, and Kristen is just stuck in her alcoholism. It’s really sad, infinitely more depressing than the Jax/Sandoval break-up.
Finally, James Kennedy is sober. It took Raquel threatening to leave but he got sober. And he’s attempting to make up with Katie. He’s making strides, let’s see how long this lasts…
Season Grade: 2 out of 5 mediocre Dayna stand-up sets
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