Are these the best days of our lives? I’ve been pondering that for a while. Is there a specific window of time in our lives that we all know is definitively “the best”? Do we just live that “best life” until it expires approximately 3-5 years later? Or does life just get shittier and shittier, spoiling like cubed lamb meat we forgot in the car from our Von’s trip, and we’re so desperate for anything that isn’t our current life that any period of time over a year ago is now seen as this golden age of our existence?
Katie, Schwartz, Ariana, James, Schaena, Lala, Sandoval, Raquel, Charli, stupid Brock…they’re all like us. Sure, they got rich and famous, but they started out just as normal as us – busting our ass every day for some of that Uncle Sam’s green cheddar. I mean, they were probably more shallow than a lot of us and a lot less passionate about nerdy-ass hobbies. Sure, they were way shittier than us normal folk. On the inside. On the outside however, they’re way hotter than us. Sorry readers and myself, we’re not as hot. I mean seriously, these people are gorgeous. People want to fuck these people like pretty much all the time. 1 out of every 2 persons they encounter on the street wanna zoom-zoom in their boom-booms, WITHOUT QUESTION!
But that doesn’t last forever, as you dovetail into your thirties and forties. You lose more than looks sometimes. You lose more than energy. Sometimes, you lose your joie de vivre, as Lisa would say. These are no longer the best years of our lives. Katie and Schwartz are finished, Sandoval is having a midlife crisis, Jax Taylor has a fucking kid now…but with pain and age comes the opportunity for change. These might not be the best years of our lives, but they’re maybe the most crucial.
Season 9
Big Events:
- Stassi & Kristen are booted off the show for unhinged and fairly racist behavior
- Lala and Schaena become mommies
- Randall (Lala‘s ex) is revealed to be a lil Weinstein Jr.
- James proposes to Raquel at “Rachella” (#scandoval foreshadowing)
- Katie and Sandoval are fighting like dogs but there’s no pool to toss them into
- Schaena and Brock get married at James‘ engagement party
Dear Lord,
Thank you for getting rid of Max, Brett, and Dayna. They were totally stupid characters nobody gave a hoot about and while Dayna‘s stand-up sets weren’t awful, they were mediocre at best. Also, Max was fuck boi of the year with his slimy ass, no wonder he turned out to be a Twitter Racist. Also, Brett turned out to be a Twitter Racist too. May we never hear from them again and if we do have to, Lord, please make their appearances on upcoming seasons brief and not contingent on any major plot lines. In Jesus’ name we pray, AMEN.
P.S. – I get Stassi is also exposed as a racist (as is Kristen), but can we bring back Stassi? She’s one of the best characters on the show. Even if she tried to get Faith murdered by the police……JESUS. You know, maybe we shouldn’t reward that behavior with a season contract. Sorry, Stassi.
ALL RIGHT, SEASON 9 – This season begins with Lala and Schaena, who have freshly birthed, trying to bury the hatchet on a feud they had over the break. Real dumb stuff, they put it behind them and bond over the fact they now have babies. Schaena with a daft, Australian giant and Lala with Randall “Weinstein, Jr.” Emmett. While Schaena is in the throws of love with her baby daddy, Lala never wants to see hers again after news surfaced of him casting couching a bunch of young women in the industry and forcing assistants to do illegal shit for him. No doubt drug related.
NOTE – Photos of Lala/Randall are on copyright lockdown so I found the closest thing I could – a naked Barbie (Lala) heavily invested in a fat trash receptacle (Randall).
Randall is a scumbag, far worse than Lala, but hmm…did Lala know? I mean, let’s take a look at the facts. We know Lala said a role play of theirs was casting-couch-related, where she’d have to suck his gross-ass dick (I imagine it looks like a version of this but on a fat guy’s pelvis) for a part in a Bruce Willis movie or something. Also their relationship began (and quite frankly, continued until its abrupt end) as a sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement. Randall is clearly the bad guy in this scenario, but come on, girl…you’re seriously going to judge all your friends like you do when this is your circumstances?? GTFO girl. OH SHIT, SO WE DON’T FIND THIS OUT ABOUT RANDALL TILL SEASON 10, BUT WHATEVER WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT HERE. These seasons run together, fuck it, let’s just get this storyline out of the way cause it bears NO WEIGHT on #Scandoval.
Schaena‘s man, on the other hand, is a lot nicer but dumber than Randall and his participation in the show is worth it only for James to have a new person to direct all his sarcastic anger towards. Seriously, the heartiest laughs of Season 9 come from James and Brock going at it. It all seems to be set off by Brock wanting James to promote his shit on Instagram, which isn’t as easy as Brock seems to think. These people’s Instagrams are their brand and when you’re as followed as a VPR cast member, you have to be careful what you promote on there. The fact Brock doesn’t understand this is super annoying. Anyway, Lala gets mad at Brock for having another family he never sees and apparently punching his ex-wife in Australia, but I guess he ends up being a nice guy everyone likes despite beating his wife’s face.
Schwartz and Katie have more marriage problems which Sandoval exacerbates. You see, Schwartz and Sandy are trying to open up a new bar horrendously titled, “Schwartz & Sandy‘s” and Sandoval is the only one who likes that name. When Katie tries to put forth her input, Sandoval immediately shuts her down and Schwartz is too much of a coward to stand up for his wife. Seriously, this season really points out to me what a limp dick Schwartz is. Katie is a pain in the ass, don’t get me wrong, she has maybe the biggest victim mentality on the show which is hilarious seeing as though she’s proven to be the most aggressive bully on VPR next to Stassi, but Schwartz has no spine. God, these folks are a fucking trip. Anyway, this is a rare three-way fight/argument/whatever where all three people are wrong in their own ways. By the end of the season, I was 100% in favor of Schwartz and Katie‘s divorce.
Speaking of an enormous victim mentality, James Kennedy is ready to pop the question to Raquel, so Sandoval (before he was fucking her) throws down thousands of dollars to make “Rachella” a huge event. Rachella – what is it? A mix between Raquel and Coachella, you see because of Covid-19, the festivities of Coachella were cancelled so the gang rented the patch of land where the festival is usually held to have their own private party – fucking rich people – where James, unbeknownst to everyone but Sandoval, is going to propose to Raquel. Knowing more or less the events of #Scandoval when I first saw this gave it a real dark edge.
All in all, I wish more happened this season. It felt merely like a prologue to the next season, the best since Season 2.
Rating: 3 out of 5 gross feet photos
Season 10
Big Events:
- Sandoval cheats on Ariana with Raquel thus igniting #SCANDOVAL
- Katie and Schwartz divorce but still try to be friends but Sandoval is a cock
- James and Raquel go their separate ways and James becomes paranoid the group likes Raquel more
- Lala/Katie/Kristina Kelly (NPC) vs. Raquel/Charli
- Schwartz and Sandoval‘s bar struggles to open while Katie and Ariana‘s sandwich shop seems more promising
- Schaena gets married to Brock….zzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz
Sorry I didn’t mention Ariana once during my Season 9 review, but she really didn’t do shit that season. This season, especially during the reunion, she’s the Meryl Streep of VPR, she’s the goddamn star, light, camera, action on this lady – she’s not taking any more of your crap, Sandoval! Folks, we’ve been waiting years for a VPR flare up like this, and #scandoval is reality show herpes at its finest – a good old fashioned cheating scandal that gets grosser and more sore with every layer that gets picked away. Tom Sandoval, you fucking worm…with a mustache. For a decade you tricked us. We knew you were scuzzy but this was beyond the pale. You manipulated so much and you were so good at it, you sick little devil. He’s like the Keyser Soze of reality tv show villains, just working his dark magic behind the curtain and all the while crying at Pride post-Orlando shooting, tricking us into thinking he’s such an empathetic soul. You dirt bag, Sandoval. You dirt bag!!!!! Anyway, let’s rewind…
As the season opens, James and Raquel are split up and both are pretty amicable about it. Since everyone is softening on James, the girls decide to bring in his former lady friend – Raquel – into the fold. Ariana is responsible for this because her and Sandoval got to know her when they were basically the only people talking to James Kennedy at one point. Katie throws a divorce party in Vegas and Lake Havasu, and invites Raquel along with Ariana, Lala, Charli, and Kristina Kelly (NPC). Early in the trip, Ariana has to leave because her poor dog needs to be put down, and things go to shit quickly with the girls. They’re bitching out Raquel for stealing Lala‘s pending hook up buddy at some bar and Raquel makes a comment to Lala about locking down her man that offends Lala and fuels her default self-righteousness. The other girls start ganging up on Raquel, and even though she’s awful and a driving force of the upcoming #scandoval, you can’t help but feel bad watching her dumb ass get bullied. She has an emotional breakdown in the car and it seems like the girls finally see things from her perspective, but then they fight again in Havasu and her and Charli ditch the other girls to go crash boy’s night…
…to James Kennedy‘s dismay. James fears the group will choose Raquel over him, especially with how much she’s getting along with the Toms. On the Tom front, Sandoval is having intimacy issues with Ariana cause he’s too in love with himself to spend time with her. Schwartz is acclimating to his divorce from Katie, but Katie still wants to be friends. You know, for as much shit as I give them I think the bond between Katie and Schwartz is the strongest in the entire show. They will be friends until one or all of them are dead. Sandoval continues to complicate this but Katie knows just where to poke the worm…with a mustache.
Sandoval and Raquel banging – sourced from TMZ. Trying to decide if this confirms him as the actual devil or if it’s just another one of his dumb fucking costumes.
The big set piece this season besides the emotionally violent reunion, is Schaena‘s wedding in Mexico. Schaena and Katie have a huge falling out before the wedding so Katie decides to still go to the resort but just skip the wedding. This is a real petty battle between two of the pettiest people on the show. Of course, Lala doesn’t really take sides and divides her time between Katie and Kristina Kelly (NPC) and Schaena and the wedding party. The huge event that happens here is a hook-up between Raquel and Schwartz, which terminates any kind of friendship between Katie and Schwartz. THEY KISS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT THE HOTEL! Good cover seeing as though Raquel was actively banging Sandoval at the time, at the resort even! So Schaena gets married and a bitter Katie and Kristina Kelly (NPC) watch from their hotel room patio…unaware that the biggest drama ever is about to drop on the show.
So, dumb Raquel is on WWHL with Andy Cohen and Schaena, and Andy asks which of the two Toms is “sexier” to both of them. They both respond, “Sandoval.” Weird since Raquel was claiming to have a crush on Schwartz for the whole season, which is when it happens – not on live TV, but backstage – Raquel drops the bombshell on Schaena – her and Sandoval are humping! Humpin’ bad! Cut to – Ariana in her house, having found out what a sleaze her squeeze is. Sandoval shuffles into the room with an air of “this is not entirely my fault.” “Do you want anything?” Sandoval asks from the kitchen. “For you to die.” responds Ariana, dead serious. The two square off in a very emotional fight where Ariana has the total upper hand. Sandoval knows he’s caught, he hasn’t quite figured out how he’s slithering out of this one but worms generally use soil to travel so I think that’s where his head is at. Ariana feels super betrayed by Raquel, who just a couple of episodes previous had a serious heart to heart with her about her relationship with Sandoval. All the while knowing she was banging him. THAT FUCKING PSYCHO. The final episode before the finale ends on this bitter note of betrayal and heartache, Ariana becomes an icon for people who have ever been cheated on or treated like shit. Sandoval’s instagram followers drop below a million. This time, it’s war.
“Scientist.” Wow, I wonder what this Einstein’s hypothesis was for how fucking his life partner’s best friend would turn out.
The reunion is the real finale – A FIRE SHOW – with Schaena having to be removed from the premises due to Raquel‘s restraining order. You see, since the last episode and the finale, Schaena physically attacked Raquel. Scratched her or punched her, the account varies depending on who tells it. Ariana is there, sat in the hottest of seats, in a red dress that looks sexy as hell. Over the course of three hours she lays into Sandoval and uses the f-word more than any character ever has on the show. Sandoval takes it for the most part, but can’t resist saying an awful quip back here and there. He mentions she once kept her shirt on during sex, sarcastically assessing it as “real sexy.” A comment that almost makes Lala bite his dick off. James Kennedy is the real stand-out of the first half of the finale though, laying into Sandoval he calls him “a worm with a mustache” and has to be physically restrained by producers because he tries to get up in Sandoval‘s face.
Eventually, they bring out Raquel and wrangle Scheana back to a trailer cause of the restraining order. Raquel is not being genuine in her remorse it seems, she’s upset the world thinks she’s a piece of shit but not really upset with herself for fucking her friend’s life partner. Ariana tells her to “fuck yourself with a fucking cheese grater” and lays into her even more. Raquel says her actions were selfish, to which Ariana replies, ‘Selfish does not fucking cover it, bitch. Diabolical. Demented. Disgusting. Sub-human.” **finger snaps*** “Start getting a better vocabulary to describe your fucking actions, cause selfish does not fucking cover it.” Sandoval defends their affair by saying as humans, we don’t live life by logic. This inspires the biggest laugh of the night. I will say that the nastiest comments Ariana makes are actually towards Raquel and not Sandoval. This isn’t entirely warranted. Not defending Raquel, but Sandoval is the clear puppet master in this situation. From all the scenes where he’s attempting to coach Raquel and fighting with producers who won’t grant him alone time with her, to all the fact he’s not even telling the full truth now.
The last reunion episode ends with a chilling interview with Raquel, where she tells all. Her and Sandoval fucked multiple times, including once in his and Ariana’s bed while Ariana was away at her grandmother’s funeral. Imagine mourning your loved one while your “life partner” is in your bed ejaculating into your best friend. Sandoval IS the Keyser Size of Reality TV, he can build you up and make you feel special only to manipulate your actions to better suit him. The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing everyone he was good guy with your best interests in mind. It’s revealed his “technique” for getting away with lying on reality TV is to just not let the person you’re arguing with finish their sentence. It became so clear, Sandoval isn’t a worm but a snake. Worms can’t hurt people. Sandoval hurt people. Sandoval shot up the people he loved with a heaping dose of venom. What a hurtful prick, but he did it with that signature Sandy smile and his poor, sad little boy act. Goddamn, this guy should be a cult leader!
Rating: 5 out 5 worms with mustaches
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