A 3-part exploration into the dozens of Scream rip-offs to hit the movie market from 1997-2001.

I remember January ’97 ever so slightly. I was seven years old and divided my time between school, theater, dance, and gymnastics. School was mandatory, but dance, especially theater, was where my soul came alive. A neighbor recommended I take gymnastics, probably because it was less artsy/gay. Ugh. I hated it. However, my parents paid for the spring program, so I was going to stick the course, goddamnit! When I wasn’t being extracurricular, I spent much of my time with the neighbor girl, Lainey, whose older sister would always rent us horror movies to watch. Around this time, I saw Candyman for the first time and almost died from fright. My older sisterwas also friends with Lainey’s older sister. One night, the four of us planned to sneak into this new slasher everyone was raving about: Scream. It had been out a few weeks and generated some monster buzz. There was only one problem – I couldn’t get out of this stupid fucking gymnastics class. The three of them snuck into the movie and left me out in the cold, on the horizontal bar of my dumb gymnastics class.

While my gymnastics class was probably stupid as dog shit that evening, my sister, Lainey, and Lainey’s sister left that theater mortified and thrilled. This was the scariest thing all three of them had ever seen. My poor friend, Lainey, about nine at the time, almost died from fright. This was, by and large, the general reaction to Scream around this time; it offered something exciting and new. General audiences were terrified by it, while critics appreciated its humor and self-awareness of the genre’s tropes. Roger Ebert pointed out that many characters in movies go to the movies. However, in Scream, they’re actually film literate and understand the tropes of the genre they find themselves in. While being this “meta” isn’t exactly a novelty these days, back then, it was a fresh enough concept to completely revitalize a genre thought to have died with Freddy and Jason at the end of the 1980s.

Of course, whenever something is successful in Hollywood that means countless imitators will follow. This is especially true in horror because these films are relatively inexpensive to make. The success of Scream brought forth an armada of imitators, some interesting, some not so interesting, almost all terrible. While the movie is still imitated today, the most concentrated output of Scream knock-offs was the golden age of 90s teen horror – 1997 to 2001.

Over the course of this article me and some of my horror obsessed friends – an interesting mix of actors, writers, comedians, musicians, and even a real life high school principal – will review and explore just over twenty Scream-inspired teen chillers and how the 1996 hit influenced each one of them. My 9 co-writers for these articles are:

Shawn Collins – actor/puppeteer/writer at All Puppet Players, comedian and former elementary school teacher.

Louis Farber – legit professional actor and artistic associate director at Stray Cat theater.

Audrey Farnsworth – Twitter famous comedian/writer and Godzilla enthusiast.

Danny Gurrola – Film editor and expert of all things early 2000s.

Nathan McGough – musician and certified Neil Breeniac.

Michael Palladino – comedian/writer who is also my roommate.

Jennie Rhiner – actor/puppeteer at All Puppet Players & Disney Princess impersonator.

Ben V. – real-life high school principal and Hockey enthusiast.

Beth V. – former high school teacher and Joey King hater.

This article will cover 1997 and 1998. Let’s get started!

NOTE – SPOILERS OF THESE 25 YEAR OLD MOVIES THROUGHOUT.

1997

I Know What You Did Last Summer

directed by: Jim Gillespie ; written by: Kevin Williamson

based on the 1973 novel “I Know What You Did Last Summer” by Lois Duncan

cast: Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Johnny Galecki, Bridgette Wilson, Muse Watson, Anne Heche

runtime: 101 minutes

release date: October 17, 1997

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. I Know What You Did Last Summer – $20.2M
2. The Devil’s Advocate – $16.4M
3. Kiss the Girls – $8.9M
4. Seven Years in Tibet – $8.2M
5. In & Out – $4.6M

I Know What You Did Last Summer total box office gross: $125.3M (7.4x its production budget)

Streaming on Peacock.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: I suppose it’s a bit ironic that one of the worst and flat-out laziest Scream clones is from the writer of the original Scream himself, Kevin Williamson. It’s also the first one! I Know What You Did Last Summer is about a quartet of bland high school archetypes who drunkenly vehicular manslaughter a fisherman and then try to cover it up. Three are spoiled rich kids (Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe), and one is a working-class, blue-collar son of a fisherman (Freddie Prinze, Jr. – almost indescribably awful). Immediately, you dislike these one-dimensional dingle berries, but once they cover up a drunk-driving murder, you fucking hate them. A year passes, and they return home from college, only to be taunted by letters and pranks informing them someone knows what they did last summer – killing a dude with their BMW and then dumping his still-breathing corpse into the ocean, hoping it will go away. 

They get stalked and killed one by one, but with only four of them (and two survive!), the story really drags itself out. This is a twenty-three-minute Tales From the Crypt episode stretched to a 101-minute movie. Of course, a bunch of side characters are thrown in just to keep the kill count up – Johnny Galecki‘s nerd character, Bridgette Wilson‘s sister character, I think that’s it? I don’t know. I saw this three weeks ago and can’t remember. You think the killer will be Anne Heche or a relative of the guy they killed, so you laugh out loud when the killer ends up being THE ACTUAL GUY THEY KILLED. This guy survives certain death and then decides not to live a life? And just plan and stalk teenagers for an entire year?? The ending of this movie makes absolutely zero sense. Also, we’re put in a position to root for rich white kids who murdered a working-class fisherman with their parents’ luxury car? THAT’S THE THING – THE MOVIE ENDS “HAPPILY” WITH THEM NEVER HAVING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!!! 

How would I fix this movie? I’d stay closer to the roots of the book. I haven’t even read the book, but I’d be willing to stake my life that it’s at least fifty times better. A whodunnit set in a small fishing town is actually a good idea, but really flesh out your characters and create an environment like The Last Picture Show – where everyone is up in everyone’s business. There’s no sense of place in I Know What You Did Last Summer, unless you count a rancid cover of “Summer Breeze” playing over an aerial shot of waves crashing over jagged rocks. God, all the covers suck in this. Music was bullshit in the late 90s. This movie is bullshit. I fucking hated every dumb second of it. 1 shitty Summer Breeze covers out of 5.

BETH V: Kevin Williamson’s I Know What You Did Last Summer is, at its heart, an urban legend, or rather, a messy continuation of a very well-known American urban legend: The Hook, in which teens are terrorized by a man with a hook for a hand on lover’s lane.

The movie begins with a discussion of this exact tale, with the archetypal characters – Barry, Helen, Julie, and Ray – discussing the variations they’d heard: was the victim gutted or decapitated? did the girl hear dripping or scratching? Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt) dismisses all of it to say that the tale was simply to punish teens for having premarital sex.

So, when our characters start living their own variation of this classic urban legend, what are they being punished for? A poorly executed hit-and-run, evidence tampering, abuse of a (supposed) corpse, and fleeing the scene of a crime. Compared to the conservative morality policing of the original legend, these four arguably deserved the murderous fisherman’s revenge.

Ben Willis (Muse Watson), however, sucks at revenge. We learn that prior to being hit by the Fab Four, he killed his daughter’s ex-boyfriend. If I had committed murder and was immediately hit by a car, I think that would be where I simply said “I hear you, universe, no more murder from me!” But unfortunately, Ben Willis did not listen to divine justice. He manages to kill two of the responsible party but also, for reasons that escape me and general logic, kills the guy from Big Bang Theory and Anne Heche, whose only crimes were having a crush on Jennifer Love Hewitt and bullying her sister, respectively.

With the frame of the story being so messy and convoluted compared to what it attempts to be, you would think it’s a film I despise. Unlike Margetis, though, I loved this – flaws and all. There are shots in this movie that made me so giddy I couldn’t wait to rewatch, like Ben Willis’ corpse sinking with the Croaker Queen tiara in hand, like the girls driving to find Billy Blue’s sister, or like a beauty queen running from certain death, falling just short of safety, and fizzling out like a sparkler to the sounds of the Fourth of July parade. Maybe it’s the Kevin Williamson touch – Scream is my all-time favorite scary movie – but this movie will now be in my regular October line-up. Oh, and ignore what Margetis said about “Summer Breeze.” That cover kicks ass. 3.5 wonderful Summer Breeze covers out of 5.

Scream 2

directed by: Wes Craven; written by: Kevin Williamson

cast: Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Jamie Kennedy, Elise Neal, Jerry O’Connell, Timothy Olyphant, Liev Schrieber, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Laurie Metcalfe, Jada Pinkett, Omar Epps, Duane Martin, Portia de Rossi, Rebecca Gayheart, Joshua Jackson

runtime: 120 minutes

release date: December 12, 1997

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. Scream 2 – $32.9M
2. Flubber – $6.7M
3. For Richer or Poorer – $6M
4. Home Alone 3 – $5M
5. Amistad – $4.5M

Scream 2 total box office gross: $172.4M (7.2x its production budget)

Streaming on MAX.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: The odds were certainly against Scream 2, a sequel to a hotter-than-hot horror hit that revitalized an entire sub-genre of entertainment. It needed to be tweaked, cast, shot, edited, and released less than a year after its predecessor. Luckily for the Weinsteins, writer Kevin Williamson already had a first draft(?) for Scream 2 in his back pocket – a sequel that parodies the idea of sequels. Thank God Williamson anticipated the possibility of a sequel and thought out a premise that worked. Otherwise, Scream 2 could have been an absolute mess. As it stands, Scream 2 is many fans’ favorite entry of the series, even more so than the original. Critics also liked it as much as the original – if anything, a little bit more. While I believe the 1996 original is the superior film, Scream 2 comes mighty close and is far and away the best sequel of the franchise, maybe even the best horror sequel of the 1990s.

An area where Scream 2 actually eclipses its predecessor is its cast. Not only do two of the industry’s best performers (SPOILER) play the killers – Oscar nominee Laurie Metcalf and Timothy “Justified” Olyphant, but we also get Liev Schrieber, Jerry O’Connell, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jada Pinkett (BIG at this time), Omar freakin’ Epps, and even legendary character actor David Warner as Sidney’s play director, a small, dumb role. Another area where Scream 2 eclipses its predecessor is in suspense – an expertly choreographed sound studio chase scene between Ghostface and Courtney Cox stands as the most nail-biting moment of the franchise. The sequel also has a great opening sequence that isn’t nearly as terrifying as the first film’s but is more complex and clever in its meta-ness. Is that a word? Anyway, a lot of Scream 2 gets way too cute in its fourth wall winking, like that cloyingly lame film school class scene where all these basic-ass teens have seen and appreciated Godfather II – yeah right – but for the most part, this sequel avoids many of the pitfalls of horror movie sequels. Also, there’s no way Laurie Metcalf could have grabbed Jamie Kennedy into a van, overpowered him, and stabbed him a dozen times.

Scream 2 is funnier than the original and almost as good. That’s fine. The movie itself claims that sequels, by definition alone, are inferior films, so maybe Scream 2 would have been worse if it was better than the original because it would have failed to prove that point. Anyway…I first saw it in a motel room in Miami, FL. No joke. 4 Jamie Kennedies randomly doing a bad British accent out of 5.

SHAWN COLLINS: Jesus, it must be exhausting to be Ghostface. I used to play a game with my friends where we would try to guess which killer we were seeing during each sequence of the Scream movies. I tried playing again while watching Scream 2, and it eventually just broke my brain. Even with two killers, the amount of coordination and timing involved with getting Sydney to the auditorium at just the right moment while also kidnapping her boyfriend and Courtney Cox really starts to stretch credulity. Mrs. Loomis should be a huffing, puffing mess by the time she nabs Gale, since she’s apparently been running back and forth across campus the entire night.

That’s just a nitpick, though; this movie holds up remarkably well. Something about it feels almost quaint; its meta-reference writing has become par for the course in a lot of genre entertainment. But rather than leaning way too far into it the way modern properties have a habit of doing, this movie seems to go meta as a way of taking the piss out of people who try to outsmart their entertainment.

I’ll give you an example: I didn’t rewatch Scream before rewatching this, so I don’t know if this was a thing in the first film too that I don’t remember, but did you notice people keep getting movie trivia wrong in this movie? In the film class scene, Joshua Jackson correctly quotes the movie Aliens, and then Jamie Kennedy “corrects” him by getting the quote wrong, and then everyone in the room acts like Jamie Kennedy won. Later, Jerry O’Connell starts singing “I Think I Love You”, and Mickey the Freaky Tarantino Film Student says it’s from Top Gun, but no, it isn’t. Sure, this was the age before everyone had the internet in their pocket, but I still can’t imagine these are just mistakes. Wes Craven wants us to watch the movie’s self-proclaimed film expert be massively wrong and then celebrate his own ignorance. There’s no way that’s in there by mistake.

I like a lot of things about this movie. We get Courtney Cox’s best haircut of the whole franchise, for one thing. I like how Dewey just shows up and starts hanging around on campus – he’s literally introduced standing under the shade of a tree looking befuddled, like a kindergartener that accidentally got off at the wrong bus stop. I was also reminded of this franchise’s running gag of having Dewey get progressively more fucked up in each subsequent sequel, which is fun. David Arquette plays Dewey as this kind of… manic simpleton, I guess? I dunno, it’s kind of hard to explain, but it works, and he and Courtney Cox have some good chemistry together.

Mike mentioned this movie’s star-power already, and I have some more to add: we have Heather Graham, Tori Spelling, and Luke Wilson playing parts in the film-within-a-film, Stab, plus we have Arrested Development’s Portia de Rossi as a sorority girl who delivers the iconic line, “Hi. I really mean that. Hi.” Classic. 3.5 Jamie Kennedies randomly doing a bad British accent out of 5.

1998

Wicked

directed by: Michael Steinberg ; written by: Eric Weiss

cast: Julia Stiles, Michael Parks, William R. Moses, Chelsea Field, Vanessa Zima, Patrick Muldoon

runtime: 87 minutes

release date: January 15, 1998 (Sundance Film Festival); August 2001 (Home Video)

Streaming on Amazon Prime

BEN V: I wouldn’t call this a scary movie, but it’s definitely the most grossed out I’ve ever been by anything I’ve sat all the way through, and I’ve seen every Saw movie at least 5 times.

Essentially, Julia Stiles kills her mom to fuck her dad. There’s no sex scene confirming this, but something MUCH worse: at like the 3/4 mark, Julia Stiles and her dad are arguing after he’s remarried the former babysitter so she can get a green card (there are like way too many subplots to manage in these 80 minutes) and Julia Stiles tells her dad that she’ll tell everyone “about them.” The dad tries to play this off, but then Julia is like “I’ll tell them about the mole on your ass” and the dad has this complete meltdown that all but confirms they had sex. It’s awful. It’s grotesque. I fully admit I paused the movie at this point and considered stopping it.

Everything else is… kind of fun? The whole thing feels tonally, musically, and sub-plotily like a Twin Peaks episode: a two-dimensional detective falls for the neighborhood gossip who’s also a pianist, a little girl is named Inger, the babysitter does an awful accent-from-nowhere, there’s a shady neighbor who’s always just golfing in his yard. I guess what I’m saying is, if you can excuse some father-daughter hardcore incest, this is a Halloween movie for the ages. I’ll never watch this movie again, but I will think about it once a year now, and that’s probably quite enough. 1 butt mole reveals out of 5.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: While somehow not the most incompetent movie we will cover in this three-part article, Michael Steinberg‘s Wicked is far and away the most morally reprehensible. I HATE saying that because it makes me sound like an alarmist PTA mom who protests Quentin Tarantino movies cause she doesn’t want to put in the effort of actually parenting her kids and policing what they see. But today, I’m that Karen and I’m having a waiting-in-line-at-Salad-And-Go-for-twenty-minutes level breakdown.

As Ben pointed out, this is a gross, gross movie but while he cites Twin Peaks for the film’s awkwardly whimsical style, this reads more Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers in my book – meaning a director who had no fucking idea what he was doing so he just randomly assigned bonkers-ass, royalty-free music to scenes and hoped for the best. The film opens with Julia Stiles‘ birth mom being a total asshole, verbally demeaning her, and then going over to the house of the young neighbor (Starship Troopers‘ Patrick Muldoon – the guy who gets his brains eaten) to get fucked real hard. This is like softcore porn, Cinemax After Dark style-fucking – real horny, borderline feral. Anyway, the young neighbor dresses like he’s a member of the New Radicals or something, with his dumb open Hawaiian shirt and bucket hat. His wife is leaving him because he’s a drunken asshole that only cares about himself – divorce and failed marriages are a major theme in this movie, along with incest and intentionally making your teenage daughter jealous of the grown woman you’re fucking. God, this whole picture just reeks of this filmmakers’ narcissism, it’s actually fascinating how revealing it seems to be.

Anyway, the mom gets her head caved in by a ceramic “tragedy” mask but we don’t know by who cause the film shows this through the killer’s POV. A detective played by the great Michael Parks arrives, with a funny Michael Parks accent, and he begins to do absolutely zero detective work. So much so that you think HE’S the killer, but he’s not. He’s just terrible at his job. So terrible the only thing he does is strike up a relationship with a neighbor lady and begin having sex with her and LIVING AT HER HOUSE. She’s cooking for him all throughout the second half of the movie. 

The dad gets remarried to a woman so she can get her green card, and her and Julia Stiles have a real cat fight moment in the kitchen one night. The dad comes down and basically flaunts the fact he’s fucking this woman to his daughters, a mere three weeks or so after the real mom got killed. Anyway, Julia is pissed and she threatens the dad to reveal that he molested her if he doesn’t divorce the green card lady. The dad has a breakdown and divorces the green card lady. Later, Julia Stiles gets her brains bashed in with the comedy mask that was the tragedy mask’s twin. FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION – during this time the neighbor that the dead mom was fucking starts fucking Julia Stiles and then finds Julia Stiles’ corpse laying on the living room floor. He picks her up to grope her underage body one last time, but he gets shot to death by Michael Parks, the police detective, cause Michael Parks thinks he killed Julia Stiles. 

God, I’m sorry, this fucking thing is all over the place. ANYWAY – skipping to the end – it’s revealed the real killer is the little sister who is ten. The end. 0 butt mole reveals out of 5.

The Curve (aka Dead Man’s Curve)

written & directed by: Dan Rosen

cast: Matthew Lillard, Keri Russell, Michael Vartan, Randall Batinkoff, Dana Delaney, Tamara Craig Thomas

runtime: 91 minutes

release date: January 23, 1998 (Sundance Film Festival) ; March 1999 (Home Video)

Streaming on TUBI.

MICHAEL PALLADINO: Did you know that if your audience wants to kill themselves before the movie is over, your movie automatically goes to DVD? 

This is one of two movies from the late 90’s whose central premise revolves around the long debunked urban legend that if your college roommate commits suicide, you automatically get passing grades for the semester. (The other film being Dead Man on Campus, the Mark-Paul Gosselar comedy that showed audiences, however small they may have been, that he had enough range to pull off black hair.) 

While “pass by catastrophe” is certainly a real thing in colleges and other learning institutions, there are no examples of one college roommate getting an Easy A because the other one took the “easy way.” I’m not even sure how this seemed plausible to anyone in the first place. And when your movie’s entire plot is based around an urban legend whose plausibility has always hung on by a thread, it behooves you not to add more weight to that thread.

The Curve opens with a rapid fire intro in which our main characters, played by Matthew Lillard and Michael Vartan, are shopping for books and albums that would give a depressed person (specifically their third roommate) that little extra push. Lots of Elliot Smith and Sylvia Plath. We cut between this and some scenes in which Vartan gets a list of all the helpful items from Dana Delaney, who plays a… school therapist? Guidance counselor? Psych professor? Still not clear on that, or why she’s so willing to help these boys acquire a suicidal ideation starter kit. The icing on top of this multi-layered shit cake of an intro is the voiceover of a nameless, faceless white guy standup comic who sounds like he’s at a bar mic. “You guys ever hear about this thing where if your roommate kills themself then you get an A? Crazy, right?” This is a horrible way to lay out your film’s premise. Just abhorrent. The audio of a guy doing a hot five on 2-for-1 night at Cactus Charlie’s should not be used as your “once upon a time” device. 

Let’s make a long story short, or rather make a bad movie semi-palatable. Lillard and Vartan’s little scheme seems to work after their third roommate leaps from a cliff, but what follows is exactly what you’d expect. Vartan’s character is the one that still pretends to have a shred of goodness in him, even though he is entirely complicit in this whole thing. Lillard is the manic, brash “you worry too much” best friend with the twisted optimism. You assume that this dynamic would drive the story and have the two of them play a dangerous game of deceit with each other. This does not happen, exactly. I mean, it does initially, but this is all irrelevant after we’re hit with a third act full of twists-for-twists sake. The roommate never leapt to his death, you see. He was alive the whole time and worked closely with Vartan to take out Lillard. It’s a twist that makes the plot of Reindeer Games look coherent.

The Curve actually has two 90’s film tropes that I hate. The first one is the cynical, snarky dialogue and tone that were so common at this time, what with so many in Hollywood looking at the “indie” successes and coming to the sad, wildly incorrect conclusion that the reason why movies by guys like Tarantino or Kevin Smith or Soderbergh were doing well was because of that all hip, nihilistic back-and-forth between the too-cool-for-school characters. It’s such a shallow understanding of what was unique about movies of that era. The other trope I hate? Misuse of Matthew Lillard. Yeah, that’s right. I’m a Matthew Lillard guy. He is carrying this movie on his back like a goddamn pack mule. He’s better than what Hollywood gave him. (See Twin Peaks: The Return for more evidence of this.) 

There’s one line in the movie where Lillard says, half-jokingly, that he’s “just a casualty of the upper class.” Buried deep within that line is where the real movie is, in my opinion. Wanting to stage a suicide in order to get fast-tracked into Harvard is not something most audiences would really click with. And if your character’s have motives so twisted, why not explore the themes of society that would lead young, privileged white kids to think that those twisted motives actually had some validity? Show me the overbearing parents, show me Vartan getting a C on an exam and having an absolute meltdown, show the process of their decaying morals, and show it all against the backdrop of a system that seems to say that going to a school like Harvard is really about social standing, not education. 

My final score? One star. And we’re not grading on a curve here! 

Back to you in the studio. 1 Elliot Smith songs out of 5.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: You hit on all the points I would have, Michael, but you failed to mention that Golden Globe-winning actress Keri Russell of Felicity and The Americans fame is in this movie, in a major role. She does what she can, but the part plays on a shitty archetype of the 90s, which is the scheming, manipulative woman, popularized with that trite Linda Fiorentino project, The Last Seduction. It isn’t as egregious here cause it’s difficult to say how bad of a person she is at the end, mostly because the ending is so convoluted and makes so little sense. Are any of these teens real? What the hell are their motives?

They may not be real, but they sure as heck are referential when it comes to pop culture. Even in the opening credits, I counted at least four references to different 90s bands or movies. It’s like somebody put Tarantino and Scream in a blender and then added rat poison. There’s also a scene where the “cool” film students are playing a drinking game based on the Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter. Instead of shooting themselves in the head with a revolver, they shake up a brewski and explode it onto their temples. Meanwhile, Matthew Lillard yells at them in fake Vietnamese while every 19-year-old at this party cheers and completely understands this reference. I feel like anyone who has seen The Deer Hunter all the way through would find this tasteless and a total bummer, even stupid teenagers. This is also minutes after Matthew Lillard‘s character takes advantage of a mentally challenged student, referring to him as “Gilbert Grape” in the process. First of all, are we supposed to think this guy is cool? The movie feels like it’s trying to score a laugh through this character’s abuse of a special needs student. Second of all, “Gilbert Grape” was Johnny Depp‘s character in the movie, not the mentally challenged brother (played by Leonardo DiCaprio).

Anyway, since Palladino informed you of the basic set up of this and how it all pans out in the end, I’ll mention that the catalyst for this whole thing is an emotionally and maybe physically abusive relationship between the asshole roommate they’re trying to get to kill himself and his sad, one-dimensional girlfriend. She finds out she may be pregnant and to absolutely no one’s surprise, the asshole boyfriend flips out on her when she tells him. He verbally bashes her in front of everyone at a party, moments after The Deer Hunter scene. He says, “Who the fuck else are you gonna tell? Who else are you fucking?” And then desperately tries to make it seem like the baby isn’t his. This movie really goes out of its way for us to not feel bad that this guy is going to be murdered, but he’s not even murdered at the end, it was just a trick so they could kill Matthew Lillard? I dunno, fuck this movie. It’s such a symptom of the time. Scream and Tarantino were these amazing break-out successes that every studio exec in town was frothing at the mouth to try and replicate. Dead Man’s Curve or The Curve could only have been made in the 90s. 1 Elliot Smith songs out 5.

I’ve Been Waiting For You

directed by: Christopher Leitich; written by: Duane Poole;

based on the 1997 novel “Gallows Hill” by Lois Duncan

cast: Sarah Chalke, Ben Foster, Soleil Moon Frye, Markie Post, Maggie Lawson, Christian Campbell, Chad Cox, Tom Dugan, Julie Patzwald

runtime: 90 minutes

release date: March (that’s all we know, folks!)

Available for free in 240p on YouTube.

JENNIE RHINER: You know what tickles me these days? Bad puns. When I see the opportunity to point out cringe-y wordplay, I giggle uncontrollably and set up everyone around me for the magic I’m about to release upon them. Christopher Leitch’s 1998 film I’ve Been Waiting For You is filled with them. It also has the potential to cast some made-for-TV magic, but it needs better ingredients (and writing) to cast a proper spell.

This relatively unknown flick stars a young Sarah Chalke, aka Blonde Doctor, as Sarah Zoltanne, a teenager who moves with her mom to Los Angeles to Pine Crest, Massachusetts to start a new life. Her occult interests and her sharp-tongued attitude raises suspicion in the town that she’s a vengeful witch (meanwhile, there’s a serial killer on the loose!) Sarah’s enemies are 5 students covering every high school trope, led by a rebellious couple played by Soleil Moon Frye and Christian Campbell. I thought everyone delivered an ok performance, even though the high schoolers looked a little too old to be playing teenagers. This movie works a little too hard to remind us that we’re watching teenagers too… random beatboxing sessions and 90’s grunge slow dancing included. Chalke and Ben Foster (as Sarah’s eccentric classmate Charlie) were the standouts for me, even though Chalke’s awkward energy prevents a lot of her witty comebacks from stinging. The strength of the group of classmates suffered due to the “Ghostface/Wolverine serial killer hybrid” taking control of the movie’s second act. Two enemies AND three plot twists?! Wayyy too much content for 90 minutes.

For all the flaws and the cringe this movie has, there were some positives. It SCREAMS a 90’s teen Halloween aesthetic, so it works as an option for a spooky movie party. This film also had some special effects that caught my interest and it does well not relying on gore for its murder sequences. It would be a good choice to add to a young horror fan’s starter kit. Who knows, maybe a future creative mind will take it someday and refurbish it… for now, just sit back, relax, and embrace that cringe attack. If you dare. 2.5 Wolverine Witches out of 5.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: The fact this dumb little Canadian TV movie is better than half of the movies in this article is quite insane. It’s definitely not good, but it’s far from terrible due to its quick pace and solid cast led by Sarah Chalke (who would go on to do Scrubs) and the always reliable Ben Foster. Chalke plays Sarah, the new girl in town, which is convenient for a movie with a dense backstory because now the characters have a reason to explain everything that has happened with this town for the past 300 years. Her and her mom have moved to an ol’ witch burning town in Massachusetts, where the head witch is literally buried in their new house’s front yard. That’s not a myth or rumor or anything, there is actually a fucking headstone in their front yard that stands atop the ground that houses a dead witch. The witch was also named Sarah.

Anyway, the town’s cool kids are all descendants of the families who helped establish the town and murder this witch. They even have a club – The Descendants Club – which sounds like the most racist thing ever invented. They try to recruit Sarah to be part of their clique but when she’d rather hang out with the weird boy (Ben Foster), they start bullying her. As this happens, the descendant kids get killed one by one by a mysterious hooded figure in a rubber goblin mask with a giant Wolverine claw that makes Freddy Krueger’s glove look like a butter knife. However, since it’s a TV movie, we never get to see that bad boy in action, piercing through people’s flesh. I don’t think it’s even how any of the kids die. They say one of the girls dies from “fright”. Imagine writing that in a coroner’s report. Canadians are so nice that perfectly healthy teenage ones can die by fright. Anyway, people begin to think that Sarah is actually the witch and is summoning this creature, but it ends up being Ben Foster who is upset because he’s actually a descendant, the son of their weird history teacher that’s banging Sarah’s mom, and he wants to be accepted. In the end, Ben Foster goes to jail and it’s revealed that Sarah actually is the reincarnated spirit of the dead witch and she’s going to get revenge on all the surviving teens. OOOOOOOH, I smell a sequel they never got around to making!

As Jennie mentioned this movie really does SCREAM Halloween/Fall aesthetic which is more than I can say for a lot of movies on this list. It’s short, it’s dumb, it feels like a play a middle school put on most of the time. One of the least painful watches of this whole experience. 2.5 Wolverine Witches out of 5.

Disturbing Behavior

directed by: David Nutter ; written by: Scott Rosenberg

cast: James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Nick Stahl, Tobias Mehler, Steve Railsback, Bruce Greenwood, William Sadler, Ethan Embry, Katharine Isabelle, Julie Patzwald

runtime: 84 minutes

release date: July 24, 1998

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. Saving Private Ryan – $30.5M
2. The Mask of Zorro – $13.4M
3. Lethal Weapon 4 – $13.1M
4. There’s Something About Mary – $12.5M
5. Armageddon – $11.1M

NOTE: Disturbing Behavior ranked #7 in the U.S. box office opening weekend, making a mere $7M

Disturbing Behavior total box office gross: $19.3M (1.3x its production budget)

Streaming on Amazon Prime.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: Paging all you Jury Duty fans out there! James Marsden was the lead in a late 90s teen thriller and it’s available to watch on FreeVee. Disturbing Behavior is an awkward Stepford Wives riff about parents turning their Nirvana-loving teens into Reagan-era Young Republican zombies to keep order in a small town. Criminally underrated Canadian character actor Bruce Greenwood plays a doctor with a really confusing name – Dr. Edgar Caldicott – who has devised the science to lobotomize these freeloading teens so their parents don’t have to hear Kurt Cobain blaring from their bedrooms at two in the morning. Apparently there is a flaw in the procedure, because every time a lobotomized teen gets sexually aroused, they lash out violently – one snaps his girlfriend’s neck when she tries to give him a blowjob and the other tackles multiple shoppers in the meat section of the grocery store. I don’t know what the flaw is, sounds like that’s what you get when you seek out a way to turn your loved ones into Turning Point USA robots.

Anyway, Marsden plays the new kid while Katie Holmes and her bare midriff play the love interest loner girl. The always underrated Nick Stahl (Bully, HBO’s Carnivale) plays the grunge kid who is on the cusp of uncovering the conspiracy. There’s also an albino kid named U.V. who is not played by an albino. At only 83 minutes, this movie has no idea what it’s doing. It wastes a full hour on the first act, panics and then tries to jam the second and third act into 23 minutes. Needless to say, this poor runtime management significantly lowers the stakes and logic of everything. This seems like a script that was written a long time ago someone dusted off and never properly updated. There’s a lot of awkward slang that feels straight out of the soda fountain days of the 1950s, and there’s also a quirky janitor character (an entertaining William Sadler) who helps the alternative kids fight the MAGA brats with sewer rats and a high radio frequency.

If this sounds fascinating, it’s really not. Talking about this cinematic turd is far more engaging than sitting through three and a half Frasier episodes worth of clunky and obvious exposition. Disturbing Behavior is not without its laughs though. Whenever a horny “conservateen” freaks out and loses their shit, it’s pretty funny. The grocery store smackdown being the unintentional comedic centerpiece of the movie featuring a football player named “Chug” literally throwing people across the store. He destroys a water display, several soda cans and what I’m willing to bet is $150 worth of raw pork chops. Besides that, the acting isn’t terrible and Nick Stahl is quite good in a very underwitten role.

However, the movie falls apart because the whole thing feels rushed. There’s no catharsis to be had and we never really figure out how or why all these parents are going a long with this. This movie definitely has a twelve year old boy’s logic in that characters don’t have motivations beyond to make the main kids’ lives hell. This is far from the worst movie I’ve had to watch for this article and while the slight running time might be the movie’s biggest flaw it’s also the biggest reason I didn’t want to chuck my TV out the window. 2 lunch boys out of 5.

NOTE – The ending sets up a Disturbing Behavior meets Dangerous Minds sequel that I’m actually bummed didn’t get made. Oh well, maybe I’ll dream about it tonight.

AUDREY FARNSWORTH: I don’t know why I decided to take notes, but I’m glad I did because there is no way I could talk about this movie in an organized way without getting so annoyed I just fucking fall asleep.

Here’s what I wrote down:

I will now address all of them individually.

“Man climbing out of sewer being insane.” This was one of the most confusing character introductions I have ever seen in a movie. Straight up, we meet this man when he climbs out of a pothole in the ground, and then he is a main character in this movie. In fact, he is an influential character who winds up saving the day in the end! And we meet him by he climbs out of a sewer because climbing in and out of this particular pothole is something he regularly does. He might’ve even said “hehehehe” one of the times he did it! Maybe the first time! Do you think I actually remember even though I JUST watched this movie? Of course I don’t. That would mean I was sick.

“Albino druggie.” I’m not going to get into this.

“Water bottles in a line over meat.” Okay, so at the grocery store, they have, like, a hundred single 12oz plastic water bottles lining the shelf over the raw meat. Like, they go all the way around the store, they’re sitting in a line on the ledge. INDIVIDUAL plastic 12oz water bottles just standing in a LONG line above the meats. A guy was getting his ass kicked in front of it like he was being flipped over, and I didn’t even care, I was just like, “Why are those like that?”

“Chug.” This was the name of a main villain lmao. “Chug.” Actually, Chug was the guy who threw the other guy around at the grocery store! I took a lot of notes about this scene because it was the only one I cared about because I like grocery stores.

“Guy getting flown through the air in the grocery store.” This was my favorite image of the film. Just a single shot of a guy flying all the way across the screen, from one side to the other. By the products! I did a hearty laugh.

“A rat just turned a lever with its tail.” It did. And then that was the rat’s only job. Like, is it a specially trained rat? Did it do that on purpose, or was it an accident? Did a rat accidentally turn a lever with its ass in the film Disturbing Behavior? I literally have no idea.

“The sewer guy might be the hero?” He was. I was right about this.

“Lunch Boy.” Somebody kept calling somebody else in this “Lunch Boy” as a nickname. I don’t know who or why. I’m pretty sure it was Chug? That sounds like something Chug would do, doesn’t it? A guy named “Chug” would definitely call a guy “Lunch Boy” over and over again as an insult.

“Everybody goes off the waterfall!” Honestly, for a whole situation that sort of started with a guy climbing out of the sewer, I think it sort of fits that it ends with that same guy making a BUNCH of people fall off a waterfall. That just feels correct to me. 1 lunch boys out of 5.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

directed by: Steve Miner

written by: Robert Zappia & Matt Greenberg & Kevin Williamson (uncredited)

cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, Adam Arkin, LL Cool J, Adam Hann-Byrd, Jodi Lynn Keefe, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Nancy Stephens, Matt Winston, Janet Leigh

runtime: 86 minutes

release date: August 5, 1998

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. Saving Private Ryan – $26.5M
2. Halloween H20 – $23M
3. Snake Eyes – $22.9M
4. There’s Something About Mary – $15.4M
5. The Parent Trap – $13.7M

Halloween H20 total box office gross: $75M (3.2x its production budget)

Streaming on AMC+.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: Halloween H20 is super derivative of Scream and 90s teen horror while being a “concluding” chapter of perhaps the most famous 80s horror franchise ever. It’s a curious merger between these two decades in horror from the actual writer of Scream – Kevin Williamson, who not so secretly script doctored the ever-loving shit out of this wonky-ass sixth sequel script. Regarding retconning, there was a lot of garbage to clean up – mainly Halloween 4, 5, and 6, known as the “Cult of Thorn Trilogy.” This trilogy within the franchise sets up a bizarre storyline where Michael Myers is actually the product of an ancient druid cult, and the whole town of Haddonfield, Illinois (the town where Halloween takes place) is in on the conspiracy! They also killed Laurie Strode off-screen, saying she died in a car accident. Halloween H20 responds to this brain poison by saying, “You know what? 4-6 don’t exist, Heaven’s Gate Michael can suck a dick, and this sequel takes place after the events of Halloween II – which honestly doesn’t make much more sense seeing as though Michael was literally burned to a crisp in that movie – BUT ANYWAY, it’s a fresh start!  

This sequel is not without its problems, the biggest of which is not being scary, but this is a better put-together product than most movies in this franchise. In fact, it’s one of the best sequels in the series in terms of feeling like an actual movie and not something somebody wrote in the car on the way to set. Jamie Lee Curtis is back as Laurie, and she’s stellar. The whole cast is excellent, arguably the strongest of the series, with Michelle Williams, Josh Hartnett, LL Cool J, Adam Arkin, and even Joseph Gordon-Levitt all exceeding the bare minimum of what’s required of them. On the other hand, this Myers mask is nearly as bad as the one in 4, while none of the kills are even remotely inventive. However, the human drama works in H20 more than any of the other sequels. Please note that this isn’t saying much. Halloween H20 is about a woman trying to escape her past but realizing halfway down the road that she must hang back and confront it. The final ten minutes are fantastic and feature Curtis‘ best work within the franchise – yes, I’m even counting the overrated David Gordon Green sequels. It all goes to shit in Resurrection, though, where they retcon the last ten minutes so Busta Rhymes can do a vaudeville routine with Michael…but I talk about that at length in another article.

I’m more nostalgic for H20 than most of the other Halloween sequels, which ties into my deep nostalgia for Scream and Scream 2. Halloween H20 closely follows the 90s teen slasher tropes, especially in scenes involving Laurie’s son and his horny friends. The fact that almost every teen (and Arkin) character is some kind of combination of funny, ironic, and self-aware points to the way Williamson writes his characters, and that is precisely what the “writers” of other 90s teen slashers were trying to emulate. It’s the late 90s, bro. Everything is SO referential. As you’ll see throughout this article, these Scream knock-offs accomplish this to varying degrees of success. While far from great, Halloween H20 is undoubtedly one of the more successful examples. 3 Joseph Gordon-Levitt cameos out of 5.

LOUIS FARBER: Halloween H20 does not take place underwater. I say this because when I sat down to rewatch this film with my partner she asked if that was the premise. She was mildly disappointed when I told her it was not. Her assumption is not without cause. The big three, Freddy, Jason, and Michael, have seen their fair share of reboots and reimagining over the years; and as cool as Scuba Michael Myers would or could be, alas this is not that. The H20 refers to twenty years later.

This film shakes the Etch A Sketch on the franchise by picking up twenty years after the events of Halloween II. It erases films three through six, but references a plot point from the fourth film where Laurie Strode dies in a car accident. H20 picks up on October 29, 1998, at the home of a former caretaker and colleague to Dr. Sam Loomis. She arrives home to find it broken into and Laurie Strode’s file missing. Then we get our SCREAM-eque celebrity death when Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character Jimmy gets iced by a hocky skate to the face. Michael Myers appears, kills Dr. Loomis’ former caretaker, and drives away in what I assume is Jimmy’s car. Michael is now on the hunt for his sister who was apparently killed in a car accident. Or was she? That’s right, Michael has a new mask, a gut feeling, and can drive.

During the opening credits we get Donald Pleasence’s voice over and plenty of catch-up information to ready us for this new installment. On a personal note, if an opening credits sequence that includes “Janet Leigh as Norma / introducing Josh Harnett / with LL Cool J / and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Jimmy” doesn’t get you excited, then I am sorry for you. We are then transported from Langdon, Illinois to Summer Glen, California the home of Hillcrest Academy, the posh private boarding school where Laurie Strode has reinvented herself as the functioning alcoholic headmistress Keri Tate. Laurie lives here now with her angsty son, John (Josh Hartnett). Her secretary Norma Watson is played by her real-life mother Janet Leigh. We get a giant easter egg hunt during the scene where Norma is leaving campus, as she stands in front of the car from Psycho adorned with a special license plate featuring Norman Bates’ initials, all while the music from Psycho plays in the background and now I have an IMDboner. It is so fun to watch two of the largest icons in the genre play together, but this self-referential scene also plays well with the teen slasher tropes of the 1990s made popular by Kevin Williamson a la Scream, who is unsurprisingly listed as a producer in the opening credits.

The film gives us plenty of fun kills as Michael Myers stalks the school grounds for Laurie, her son, his girlfriend (Michelle Williams), and their best couple friends. We get LL Cool J’s character, the security guard with aspirations of becoming a great novelist, accidentally getting shot by Adam Arkin; which results in a fun twistaroo near the end. We see Michael Myers shot, stabbed, and struck with a fire axe. And a very satisfying ending where Jaime Lee takes control of everyone’s destinies and puts a stop to her brother once and for all. That is until Halloween: Resurrection starring Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks and, you guessed it, Jamie Lee Curtis is released four years later. After all, there’s money to be made and you can’t keep Michael Myers down for that long. You may run, but he walks and catches up to you, so we might as well just lean in and enjoy. All that said, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later is one of the best in the franchise and a fitting trilogy cap to the first two films. 3.5 Joseph Gordon-Levitt cameos out of 5.

Urban Legend

directed by: Jamie Blanks; written by: Silvio Horta

cast: Jared Leto, Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart, Joshua Jackson, Loretta Devine, Tara Reid, Michael Rosenbaum, Robert Englund, Danielle Harris, John Neville, Natasha Gregson Wagner, Brad Dourif

runtime: 100 minutes

release date: September 25, 1998

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. Rush Hour – $21.2M
2. Ronin – $12.6M
3. Urban Legend – $10.5M
4. One True Thing – $4.4M
5. There’s Something About Mary – $4.4M

Urban Legend total box office gross: $72.5M (5.2x its production budget)

Streaming on PlutoTV.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: When I was just a little bambino, I loved watching this well-shot but supremely bland Scream knock-off, Urban Legend. Imagine a killer who kills you based off of urban legends. That’s a clever idea that the filmmakers don’t execute well. When I first saw this, I thought director Jamie Blanks and writer Silvio Horta did a fantastic job with it – I was only about 10. My mom had just gotten the VHS for me from K-Mart. I only knew a little about urban legends besides what I read at my elementary school library – Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark being 90% of what I knew about urban legends. So, from my ten-year-old point-of-view, everything checked out, and the movie was a near masterpiece. In fact, it was a comfort movie in some ways for me. Here’s what was great to me back then:

1. Freddy Krueger was their teacher
2. A gorgeous red head was the lead (Alicia Witt)
3. Loretta Devine was hilarious as the Pam Grier-obsessed campus security guard
4. Joshua Jackson from that lame Dawson’s Crack show got killed early on
5. Danielle Harris – Jamie Lloyd from Halloween 4 & 5 – was in it
6. The asshole Dean gets his achilles tendon severed and then gets brutally impaled on traffic spikes – SIDE NOTE: this actor played a paranoid schizophrenic in David Cronenberg‘s massive flop, Spider.
7. That dog in the microwave kill really swings for the fences. Did NOT expect that shit when I first saw this.
8. Rebecca Gayheart is SOOOO over-the-top as the killer you just have to sit back and applaud

Now, watching this movie objectively, I can see it for what it is – a lame but not terrible studio attempt to capture the lightning of Scream and Scream 2 without understanding what made those films pop. Those movies weren’t about the killers or elaborate killings. Those movies understand you have to lead with the characters you spend 90% of the runtime with. Alicia Witt is a good actress, but her character is not Sidney Prescott. We don’t empathize or relate with her because we really don’t know who she is other than a college student who cries a lot. Rebecca Gayheart is super over-the-top as the bestie turned killer, Tara Reid is reliably awful as the college’s call-in sex advice radio DJ, and Joshua Jackson is unbuttered potatoes as collegiate life’s most underwhelming prankster. Jared Leto is decent, if not spectacular, as the crusading journalism student. Smallville‘s Michael Rosenbaum gives the movie’s most convincing performance as the asshole whose dog gets microwaved. Finally, Loretta Devine is the best part of Urban Legend as the comic relief rent-a-cop. Still, this character feels like an implant from another movie, perhaps entirely outside of the horror genre.

Urban Legend is better than most abominations on this list, but it’s far from great. It has a delicious premise that it ultimately squanders and a better cast than most 90s teen slashers it doesn’t really take advantage of. The hooded snow jacket killer look is more intimidating than the lame fisherman couture of I Know What You Did Last Summer or a CGI Michael Myers mask. Still, there’s just no substitute for Ghostface. Likewise, there’s no substitute for Scream, a movie often imitated but rarely improved upon. 2.5 dog microwaves out of 5.

DANNY GURROLA: It’s Spooky Season, which means it’s time to watch some terrible horror movies with Michael Margetis, yet again. Every year I say I am not going to force myself to watch this miserable shit, but then he asks me and how do I say no to that face?

First up was Urban Legend, a movie I can only describe as ‘horror-adjacent.’ It’s about a small group of college friends that all apparently hate each other. When people around campus start getting knocked-off in ways that mirror old urban legends, the kids notice a pattern and try to solve the mystery without getting murdered themselves. Spooky!

This is a film that I had not seen since I was about 8-years-old, so I don’t have any real memories of it other than it kinda looked like a UPN show. It really has very little violence, blood, swearing or anything warranting an ‘R’ rating, minus a few small things here and there. The scariest things in the movie are how low the gas prices were 25 years ago and a Richard Gere-gerbil reference. It very well could have been rated PG-13 with a few tweaks. So don’t watch it for the kills or gore!

Do watch if you’re a fan of terrible 90’s songs. ‘Zoot Suit Riot’ and knockoff Nine Inch Nails blares at a college frat party where a dog does a beer bong then gets microwaved. Alicia Witt’s bitchy goth roommate’s sex/murder scene is scored by ‘Dragula.’ She was sadly tricked by the killer via chatroom, the first known case of cat-fishing in a movie. I may need to fact check this.

And apart from the fact that Rebecca Gayheart, who weighs 100 lbs soaking wet, was able to lift and throw around full grown men and practically teleport from location to location, it’s a perfectly mediocre dumb scary movie. Like Mike said, not terrible, it’s also just not very good. It’s competently made, I can tell where the characters are in relationship to one another spatially, for the most part. The acting is fine (sans Tara Reid). Freddy Krueger as the no-nonsense teacher for an urban legends class that seems like it would be a very easy ‘A’ was fun. He’ll even have you come up on stage to overdose on Pop Rocks and soda!

No one’s ever done this in his shitty class? Wait, why is there a spotlight?

Urban Legend tried to be Scream: The College Years, but it doesn’t have the same satisfying twists and turns. The killer’s motive is a stretch and feels unearned. They really just threw a bunch of young, attractive talent at us with hopes that it would capture the same magic, but it just can’t hold a candle to it. Pretty whatever. 2 dog microwaves out of 5.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

directed by: Danny Cannon ; written by: Trey Callaway

cast: Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Brandy, Mehki Phifer, Muse Watson, Bill Cobbs, Matthew Settle, Jennifer Esposito, Jeffrey Combs, John Hawkes, Jack Black

runtime: 101 minutes

release date: November 13, 1998

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. The Waterboy – $24.4M
2. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – $16.5M
3. Meet Joe Black – $15M
4. The Siege – $8.1M
5. Antz – $4M

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer total box office gross: $84M (1.7x its production budget)

Streaming on Peacock.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: The single most despicable hot take I can offer throughout this whole article is that I actually enjoy I Still Know What You Did Last Summer more than I Know What You Did Last Summer. Hear me out. The first one is super stupid but bland as hell. In contrast, this one completely doubles down on the stupid, making it a much bigger punching bag for your hate and derision. Maybe I’m just a sick, pathetic bastard who enjoys making fun of terrible movies, but ISKWYDLS is a much more enjoyable hate-watch for me.

It also has a better, more original setting for a slasher – the Bahamas. During hurricane season, of course, but we don’t typically get lush, tropical beach slashers. That’s understandable, considering shooting outside of LA or Canada is expensive. It’s a novelty. Anyway, this movie is not only horrendous but incompetently made.…but if I’m being honest, I’d rather watch the Gorton’s Seafood guy slash kids to ribbons in the Bahamas than some dumb beach town in North Carolina.

First of all, as Roger Ebert pointed out in his scathing review of this dumpster fire, the title makes zero sense. Wouldn’t it be I Still Know What You Did Two Summers Ago? Cause the current title is saying I Know This Guy Came Back and Tried to Kill You Last Summer and That You Were Able to Defeat Him and Go On Living Your Life But Now I’m Back and The Person Writing the Title of this Movie Is Actually the Killer from the First One Who Isn’t Actually Dead and It’s Me, Hi Again! Anyway, once you get past the illogical title, you’re asked to get past the dumb radio contest they “win” to travel to the eventual killing ground – some old, rundown Bahamas resort during the off-season. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Brandy (her new roommate and BFF) win a radio contest by correctly guessing the capital of Brazil – Rio de Janeiro. Only that’s not actually the capital of Brazil; it’s Brasilia. So, if you are smart enough to know the capital of Brazil, congratulations! You figured out the entire movie! The radio contest is just a scam to get them to the island.

Tagging along on this dumb trip is overqualified character actor Mekhi Pfifer as Brandy‘s horny college boyfriend, who talks about vaginal sex so much you start to suspect he’s gay, as well as this lame college boy Jennifer Love Hewitt is considering dumping her boyfriend (Freddie Prinze, Jr. from the last movie) for. The lame college boy ends up being the son of the fisherman from the original and the mastermind behind the whole radio contest thing. It’s because him and his dad once lived in the Bahamas or something? I dunno. Anyway, they kill Mehki Pfifer and some poor hotel workers, but Brandi, Hewitt, and FPJR, who doesn’t make his way to the island till the final twenty minutes or so, all survive.

This movie is almost impressive in how, just when you think it can’t get any stupider, it surprises you and gets even stupider. There’s a bunch of underutilized character actors in this, like Jeffrey Combs (The Frighteners, Re-Animator) as a weird concierge, Jennifer Esposito (Spin City, Crash) as a spicy bartender that Mekhi Pfifer is very vocal about being attracted to, and most notably, Jack Black as a fat white drug dealer with dreadlocks. Black is actually funny, because not even ISKWYDLS can hold someone as naturally magnetic and entertaining as Jack Black back. It also seems like 90% of his schtick is improvised.

I don’t expect you to understand my logic that by being worse, ISKWYDLS is actually better than its less-bad predecessor. However, these movies are both terrible, and this one in particular really highlights how little of an idea the creators had in the first place. Kevin Williamson does not return as the writer; you can tell by how banal and awful the dialogue is. In the original, as bad as it was, there were little one-liner gems here and there that this sequel completely lacked. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is probably only the eighth worst movie I had to watch for this three-part article, and that’s scarier than anything any of these movies have to offer. BOOOOO! 1.5 Gorton Seafood Guys out of 5.

BETH V: If the first installation is an attempt at urban legend, the sequel is…? Actually, I don’t know what the point of this one was. ISKWYDLS deviates so wildly from the urban legend aspect from the first that it borders on parody.

It starts off with Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt) waking up screaming in her political science class where there is also a white girl with cornrows. Not a promising start.

Then, Julie and Karla (Brandy) get a call on Julie’s “unlisted phone number” from a radio station, where they win a trip to the Bahamas. Julie, unfortunately, decides not to use her brain, and accepts that this is plausible.

This is not the last display of poor judgment, nor the most egregious. I mean, for the love of God; they trust a man named WILL BENson after Julie has been knowingly terrorized by a BEN WILLis. Even the most casual wordplay enthusiast would have realized that WILL is BEN’s SON based on his name alone in 2 minutes… not Julie. Bless her heart.

Her lack of common sense paired with her jumpy moroseness makes her a relatively boring main character; you almost root for the killer(s) to catch her this time around.

The most compelling subplot of this entire movie is the relationship between Ray and his coworker “friend,” Dave (John Hawkes). Dave makes Ray laugh, he sings to Ray, accepts his fake proposal, and sacrifices himself to save Ray… these two were in love and it’s a shame they killed Dave off 20 minutes in.

I truly don’t understand why he had to die, either. Really, most of the character deaths in this are unwarranted. The hotel staff, Jack Black’s weird ass, Nancy, Tyrell… none of them were necessary kills. Even the targeting of Julie is somewhat out of line; Ray was the one driving the car that originally hit Willis! And returning to the logic of movie one, you would think that the vengeful killer would have learned from the loss of his hand from the first movie would be enough to think “maybe killing teens is just not my skillset.” Ben Willis has a lot more in common with Julie than he may realize (for example: they both lack brains).

The biggest sin that this movie commits is that they dragged Brandy into this mess and they don’t even let her sing. I mean, there’s a karaoke scene, and they still don’t let Brandy sing. Explain yourselves!!! She makes up for this by smashing through several windows, walls, and other breakable items with very few injuries, and she survives, but still. Unforgivable. Overall, I can’t disagree with Mike’s assessment that this movie is worse than the first. It certainly is. Is it more enjoyable? Sorry, no. This one was painfully stupid. 2.5 Gorton Seafood Guys out of 5.

The Faculty

directed by: Robert Rodriguez; written by: Kevin Williamson & David Wechter & Bruce Kimmel

cast: Josh Hartnett, Jordana Brewster, Elijah Wood, Clea Duvall, Shawn Hatosy, Usher Raymond, Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick, Jon Stewart, Laura Harris, Salma Hayek, Christopher McDonald, Daniel von Bargen, Danny Masterson

runtime: 104 minutes

release date: December 25, 1998

opening weekend U.S. box office:

1. Patch Adams – $46.4M
2. Stepmom – $35.4M
3. You’ve Got Mail – $34.4M
4. The Prince of Egypt – $30.1M
5. A Bug’s Life – $23.2M

NOTE: The Faculty opened at #7 in the box office, earning a very respectable $18.4M

The Faculty total box office gross: $63.2M (2.7x its production budget)

Streaming on Peacock and Paramount+.

MICHAEL MARGETIS: Finding an actual good movie in this line-up is what it must feel like for a severely dehydrated person to take that first gulp of ice water. Relief rushed through my body as I pushed play on Robert Rodriguez‘s The Faculty after having suffered the entitled idiots of I Know What You Did Last Summer, the insufferable film bros of Dead Man’s Curve, and the actual incest of Wicked. The Faculty is basically just Invasion of the Body Snatchers set at an American high school. Still, it’s a familiar story executed well with interesting two-dimensional characters, an exceptional cast, and some twists and turns you might not see coming. No more teachers, no more books, the faculty are fucking aliens.

The Faculty opens up on a mosaic of high school archetypes, clever in its self-awareness and shamelessly over-the-top in a way that seems more campy than inauthentic. Josh Hartnett is a drug dealer who is too cool for school, Elijah Wood is a nerd being bullied, Clea Duvall is the goth girl everyone thinks is a lesbian, Shawn Hatosy and Jordana Brewster are the “it” couple – a cheerleader and a football player. You can tell it’s a Kevin Williamson script from the moment anyone starts talking, and that’s a relief cause it means I won’t be listening to rancid garbage for two hours. Then come the teachers, played by a bunch of recognizable faces – Jon Stewart is the science teacher, Salma Hayek is the school nurse, Famke Janssen is the mousy English teacher whom Hartnett sexually harasses, and Robert “T-1000” Patrick is the stereotypically angry football coach, who is the first teacher taken over by aliens. After that, it’s a domino effect, a series of sometimes suspenseful but mostly just fun alien attack scenes. Of course, the CGI hasn’t really held up, but the spirit of the movie is just a fun escape movie, and goddamnit, it does that well.

Although this isn’t quite as clever as Williamson‘s first two Scream screenplays, it’s far more effective than the awful I Know What You Did Last Summer or the just all-right Halloween H20. Robert Rodriguez has directed better movies (Desperado, From Dusk till Dawn) but he’s also directed much worse films (Spy Kids 3-D, Shark Boy and Lava Girl). This is each creative’s third-best movie. Not bad. No one is bad in this. Except for the rapist Danny Masterson, he’s bad. 3 bic pens with meth in them out of 5.

NOTE – Recording artist Usher Raymond is also in this. He’s not a rapist, either in the movie or IRL. He just has such a small part he’s barely worth mentioning.

JENNIE RHINER: I can’t tell you why it took me 28 years of my life to watch the 1998 film The Faculty. It was always floating in my radar, but I always picked other movies over it. The only information I had at the time was that it was directed by Robert Rodriguez and it involved a group of students dealing with their school’s faculty being overtaken by aliens. Well, I’m glad to say that I’ve FINALLY sipped The Faculty’s water and it gave me the clearest skin I’ve had in weeks.

First, I had a BLAST yelling at the screen and watching the faces of its all-star cast pop up one by one. For those who haven’t seen it, this list is WILD: Elijah Wood, Josh Hartnett, Clea Duvall, Salma Hayek, Piper Laurie, Robert Patrick, JON STEWART… the list goes on and on! There was not a single weak link in this group, even though I felt like the screen time between the students and the faculty was unbalanced… a little more teacher violence in the movie’s climax would have been legendary.

The cast is the highlight of this film, but the rest of the movie’s elements are a mixed bag. The writing is campy and nothing original, but I appreciate that it’s at least self aware of that… I did chuckle a few times while watching. It’s a 90’s slasher baby, the era seasoned with meta teen slashers… What do you expect? The special effects were definitely the weakest part of this movie for me. I liked the creature design, but it felt like they were going down a checklist of scary images and forgot to keep the “possessed alien” characteristics consistent. Despite its flaws, The Faculty needs to be on everyone’s watchlist. You’ll have a good time. Be warned, the familiar high school woes and the “desire for acceptance” theme might hit you in the nostalgia. It did for me… I’m not an alien, I’m just content. 3.5 bic pens with meth in them out of 5.

NEXT TIME…

1999-2000

The knock-offs continue with sequels for Carrie, Scream and Urban Legend, a new Kevin Williamson project, and the start of two new horror franchises.