One of my favorite horror franchises growing up, second to only A Nightmare on Elm Street, the Friday the 13th movies are mostly awful but usually make for one hell of a fun movie night! Which one are you watching tonight?
12. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Not only the worst entry in the franchise, but the most miserable viewing experience. Usually, this late in a series, you’d give the filmmakers points for at least trying something new. However, this “something new” is just a convoluted, confused, off-putting, homophobic, and immature demonic possession story. In the film’s opening sequence, Jason is blown to bits by FBI agents, but his spirit survives, traveling from human to human like a virus, turning them into Jason, but like you know, without the hockey mask. These possessed folks just randomly kill people and stop communicating with words. It’s really not scary and actually quite humorous to see someone not dressed like Jason, without a mask, acting like Jason. Anyway, this possession story tries to add gravitas to the meaning of the overall myth of Jason, which doesn’t work because the lore of Friday the 13th is a mess anyway. Mainly because the original establishes Jason as dead from drowning, only to later say in Part 2 that he only pretended to drown and swam away to live in the woods for fifteen years before going on a massive killing spree. No one gives a shit about the lore of this franchise, it’s just about a dude hacking up teenagers in the woods. While Jason Goes to Hell is one of the gorier entries in the franchise with some mildly creative kills, it takes away all the dumb and fun simplicity of a typical Friday the 13th movie to give us a nearly impossible to follow possession narrative. Grade: F (Available for rental and purchase on Amazon Prime, GooglePlay, Vudu, AppleTV+, etc)
11. Jason X (2002)
Jason X is seriously one of the ugliest to look at pieces of shit in existence. It’s also the first film to be entirely color-graded digitally, something the far superior film, O’Brother Where Art Thou?, gets credit for because it was released two years earlier. Jason X didn’t get the credit because it was shelved for nearly two years…because it’s such a piece of shit. Besides the stiff acting and garbage writing, every technical element seems so phoned in and half-assed – the set looks like it was pieced together from plastic office furniture, and the costumes are hideous. What seems like it should be a slam dunk so-bad-it’s-good entry of the franchise gets bogged down with poor craftsmanship. The only saving grace is one amazing kill, the best in the franchise, involving a lab technician, liquid nitrogen, and a desk. Unfortunately, it accounts for less than a minute of screen time. Grade: F (Available for rental and purchase on Amazon Prime, GooglePlay, Vudu, AppleTV+, etc)
10. Friday the 13th Part 3D (1982)
Famous for being the one where Jason finally gets his hockey mask, this bloated 3D adventure isn’t nearly as fun and kinetic as its bonkers disco score might lead you to believe. The third entry introduces us to the most insufferable group of teens in the franchise, including Chris Higgins, the blandest final girl imaginable, and Shelly Finklestein, an incel prankster who remains the single most loathed teen in Friday the 13th history amongst fans. However, the kills are pretty solid throughout, and that may have meant more if the first two-thirds of the movie hadn’t been so mind-numbingly boring. The third act is solid, thanks mainly to an excellent Jason performance by Richard Brooker, but it can’t make up for that lethargic first hour. They also try to work in a trauma subplot with a flashback of Jason sexually assaulting Chris, the final girl, and that’s just fucking tasteless. Grade: D (Streaming on Max)
09. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Divisive amongst fans because of its failure to deliver on its title’s promise. Jason only spends the film’s third act in Manhattan, and all of that (besides a famous Times Square sequence) is noticeably shot in Vancouver. I hate it because it feels like the PG-13 version of Friday the 13th, with all the edges sanded off to appease the religious whackjobs at the MPAA. Jason looks goopy and droopy like he’s covered in snot. A huge step down from arguably his best look in the previous entry, Friday the 13th Part 7. The kills mostly all cut away before impact or shortly after that. However, there is an excellent kill on a rooftop where the guy from those Discount Tire commercials gets his head punched off by Jason. Most of this movie takes place on a Senior Class Boat Cruise from Camp Crystal Lake to Manhattan because Crystal Lake and the Atlantic Ocean are connected bodies of water in this reality. Part 8 is really where the franchise started its decline. It’s all crap from here on out. Grade: D (Streaming on Max)
08. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
Technically, it’s a worse film than Friday 3 or 8, but I just enjoy revisiting this one more. It’s an absolute piece of trash, a train wreck you can’t help but gawk at, mouth open, in utter disbelief at what it’s showing you. It’s offensive, tasteless, misogynistic, has the highest boob and body count of the franchise, and it was directed by a guy who used to do porn. It also has some of the most entertainingly stupid side characters in the franchise spouting some of the filthiest dialogue I’ve ever heard in ’80s horror. However, for all its wackiness, its most defining characteristic is that it’s the only entry where Jason isn’t the killer besides the original. It’s just some random guy in a hockey mask. And you’ll never predict who it is because they do such a terrible job setting it up. This is a really clumsy who-dun-it that had no idea where to pivot the franchise after killing Jason “for good.” Obviously, they revived Jason in the next entry, but it’s kinda funny they thought they could just do some half-assed Agatha Christie thing moving forward. Grade: F (Streaming on Max)
07. Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
The biggest problem with Freddy vs. Jason is it’s a great 80s horror movie concept trapped in the ugly blue and yellow filter days of the early 2000s. Robert Englund is really showing his age as Freddy Krueger, and the ding dongs at New Line replaced the stoic Kane Hodder with some tall dingus. The script went through dozens of iterations, and of course, the poopie butts at New Line chose the “safest” version, so we’re left with 10 or so minutes of Freddy/Jason fighting stuffed inside a dumb hybrid of a Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th plot. The characters are garbage, the writing is dumb and, in one instance, shockingly homophobic, and the visual aesthetic is flat-out ugly. There are a couple of good kills, but most are entirely undone by terrible CGI. It’s so bad but better than half of the movies on this list because of decent pacing and actual production value. Grade: D+ (Available for rental and purchase on Amazon Prime, GooglePlay, Vudu, AppleTV+, etc)
06. Friday the 13th (2009)
Of the three Platinum Dunes 80s slasher icon remakes of the 2000s, 2009’s Friday the 13th falls right in the middle. It isn’t quite as inspired as 2003’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it’s infinitely better than the godawful A Nightmare on Elm Street remake from 2010. It’s not a good movie but it does has its moments. The cold open is among the best stretches of film in the Friday the 13th franchise and some of kills are pretty good. The problem is that this really doesn’t evoke the feeling of the original franchise and trips over itself with an overly complicated plot and too many characters. It also makes no sense that Jason is a marijuana farmer, it actually makes him less scary that he’s not just this imposing demonic entity. There is one really good performance in this movie by Travis Von Winkle as the asshole teenager. He has an obviously improvised line about nipple placement that’s really funny. Derek Mears is also a very good Jason. Grade: C- (Streaming on Max)
05. Friday the 13th (1980)
Out of all the big horror franchises Friday the 13th is somewhat unique in that most fans do not consider the original to be the best or even close to the best entry in the series. This is a really basic whodunit that doesn’t get cooking until the third act when the great Betsy Palmer shows up as Jason’s mother. She’s the killer because Jason isn’t even in the movie, having drowned to death some twenty years earlier. That’s another unique thing about this franchise, the famous hockey-mask wearing icon (as we know him) of it all doesn’t even show up until the second installment and he doesn’t even get his hockey mask until the third one. The 1980 original has some pretty inventive kills thanks to former war photographer turned gore wizard, Tom Savini, but the central characters are ultimately pretty dull and lifeless in this one. It is one of the only entries filmed in upstate New York and not California and I do like those woods better. Grade: C (Streaming on Max)
04. Friday the 13th Part VII: A New Blood (1988)
Here’s where my list gets pretty controversial as most people really despise the audacity of Part 7 to pit Jason against a telekinetic teenage girl. But, look, seven entries in, what the fuck else can we do? While Telekinetic Tina (a stiff Lar Park Lincoln) doesn’t quite have the emotional depth of Carrie White, her being telekinetic leads to some pretty fun showdown moments between her and Jason – namely the third act which stands as maybe the best third in the entire franchise. Kane Hodder is also introduced as Jason and this is peak Jason – his best, most menacing look/portrayal in my opinion. Where this one falls apart is in its teenage characters who are some of the least interesting and convincing of the entire franchise. Maybe not as bad as 3, but pretty fucking terrible. Also the MPAA just butchered this movie and there’s hardly any fun gory bits till the very end. God, the MPAA sucks. Grade: C+ (Streaming on Max)
03. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
The final three entries on this list are what I’d consider not only cream of the crop Friday the 13th, but pretty good slasher movies in their own right. The least amazing and acclaimed of these three is the second entry in the franchise which is just a better directed, better paced, better written and better acted than the original. Sure, Jason magically coming back to kill people makes zero fucking sense, but you soon forget about all that once you see a couple get shish-kabobbed by a spear mid-coitus. Part 2 also has the best overall cast and final girl the series has ever seen (Amy Steel) by a long shot. The third act is also very intense and features urine in a surprisingly effective way. Grade: B- (Streaming on Max)
02. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
The closest Friday the 13th ever came to being a straight up comedy, the irresistibly fun and self-aware sixth entry sees Jason coming back to life via a lightning bolt. This is the entry where the man behind the mask (terrible song) becomes full fucking undead zombie and the franchise is all the better for it. The characters are a bit lackluster and the kills are a bit neutered, but this one displays more narrative and visual creativity than maybe any of these dumb movies. Grade: B- (Streaming on Max)
01. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
Part 4 is just the perfect distillation of everything anyone thinks of when imagining a Friday the 13th movie. Perhaps Part 6 shows a bit more creativity, but when I’m in the mood to watch a Friday the 13th movie, this is inevitably the one I almost always choose. It’s very well directed by Joseph Zito, features some of the best kills of the franchise and boasts a solid cast of actors playing at least two-dimensional characters. Ted White is second only to Kane Hodder as Jason, but the real standout here is Crispin Glover and his fascinating dance moves. Computer says he’s a dead fuck. Grade: B- (Streaming on Max)
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