A winner and a not winner.

The Long Walk

The Long Walk messed me up. Not because it’s hitting some hot-button political topic of the moment, but because it doesn’t need to. It’s always been relevant. Desperation makes people do really fucked up shit. Like voluntarily signing up for a dystopian death march where you get shot in the head if you walk slower than 3MPH.

Stephen King gets how fascism works. That’s no shock. Neither is his fondness for stories where kids die violently. What is surprising is how director Francis Lawrence takes this concept (I KNOW SK WROTE HIS NOVELLA B4 HUNGER GAMES, CHILL OUT) and manages to make it feel fresh. He pulls it off by focusing not on spectacle, but on character. The emotional connections formed under extreme stress are what make this movie hit so hard.

This is basically a hangout movie, just one where everyone eventually gets their face blown off. You spend real time with these characters. You get to know them, start to like them, and then, bang, right in the face. The longer it goes on, the more each execution feels gut-wrenching and unbearable.

The heart of the story is the bond between the two leads: Ray Garraty (Cooper Hoffman, Licorice Pizza, Saturday Night) and Peter McVries (David Jonsson, Alien: Romulus, Industry). Ray wants to take down the system. Peter just wants to keep surviving. The rest of the group has their own reasons, though really only about six get actual development. The other 42 mostly exist to die in the background, keeping the tension high. Honestly, how the hell do you develop 50 characters in under two hours?

The core supporting cast includes Arthur (Tut Nyuot), the sweet church boy; Billy (Garrett Wareing), the no-nonsense fitness freak; Olson (Ben Wang), the sarcastic loudmouth; Barkovitch (the great Charlie Plummer), the edgelord shit everyone hates; and Parker (Joshua Odjick), the misunderstood “bad kid” who’s really just a loner. Yeah, they’re two-dimensional, but the young cast absolutely sells them. The ensemble is the best part of the movie. In particular, David Jonsson as McVries delivers an awards-calibre performance. Whoever did the casting deserves a shot at the first-ever Casting Oscar when the Academy gives it out next spring.

The adults are significantly less impressive. Mark Hamill chews the scenery with a goofy, over-the-top villain performance that totally clashes with the movie’s bleak tone. Judy Greer is stuck crying and running around. Josh Hamilton shows up for a single flashback scene that’s not only unnecessary, but also painfully on-the-nose. Imagine how much better that moment would’ve been as a simple monologue from our lead instead of a literal, cheesy flashback.

In the end, The Long Walk is a compelling, emotionally charged teen drama with more to say than you’d expect. It’s not top-tier Stephen King (Shawshank, Stand By Me, The Shining), but it’s firmly in that second (or third) tier of solid adaptations. In 20 years, I could absolutely see this becoming a cult classic. Grade: B (In Theaters)

Spinal Tap II: The End Continues

The original This Is Spinal Tap (1984) isn’t just one of the greatest comedies ever made, it’s one of the greatest films, period. A flat-out masterpiece. That’s why I was shocked to see virtually zero marketing leading up to this sequel. Aside from a Liquid Death commercial, there was almost nothing. No trailers, no press tour blitz, no ad saturation. If I hadn’t checked the Harkins website, I wouldn’t have even known it was out.

Now I understand why.

Spinal Tap II is a complete nothing burger. Not awful (it has four or five genuinely inspired moments) but it’s severely lacking in energy. Even at just 84 minutes, it drags. The pacing feels off, the spark is gone, and the whole thing comes across more like a lukewarm reunion special than a real movie.

Maybe that’s the problem: when you compare this to the best of the Christopher Guest ensemble films (Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, the original Spinal Tap), it barely registers. These guys, Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, are indisputable comedy legends. Absolute comedy machines. So seeing them just “go through the motions” is more depressing than seeing teenagers get their heads blown off in The Long Walk.

Like most legacy sequels, this one leans heavily on celebrity cameos. Two of them land really well: a rehearsal bit with Paul McCartney where McKean questions the Beatle’s rock credentials, and an onstage performance of “Stonehenge” featuring Elton John. Both are great scenes, it’s just a shame the rest of the film is so low-key and forgettable. Grade: C (In Theaters)