PUNISH YOURSELF WITH THESE AWFUL HORROR MOVIES

Shut up. You deserve it.

I. Werewolves, Vampires and Incestuous Shape Shifters

The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Also known by its alternate title Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch is a perplexingly awful follow-up to an already bad werwolf hit, The Howling. It retcons a bunch of a plot elements, takes place in Europe and is basically a soft core porn. Still, props on getting Christopher Lee to star in your softcore porn. HIGHLIGHT: Ending credit sequence that features an actress, uhhh…don’t know any other way to put this…violently whipping her breasts out 17 times. See for yourself – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7mpDc4xeYo&has_verified=1

The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf is available for free streaming on AMAZON PRIME.

Sleepwalkers (1992)

Blatant rip-off of Paul Schrader’s awful 1982 remake of Cat People, Sleepwalkers is a movie not afraid to dive into incest in the first frame when a son and his mother go at it pretty hard. Don’t worry though, they’re not human, they’re cat people fish shape shifter thingy mabobbers, so the same rules of incest don’t apply to them? This is a movie so consistently incompetent in everything it tries to accomplish, that’s it’s wildly entertaining from start to finish. HIGHLIGHT: Stephen King wrote this piece of shit.

Sleepwalkers is available for $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

Bones (2001)

Haven’t seen this since I was twelve, so I have no idea what I’m going to write about here. I know the way it shows the murders is that someone screams and then the camera pans to a brick wall where a bucket of red paint is thrown. I also know Snoop Dogg plays a zombie vampire pimp(?) that returns from the dead to avenge the people that took his corner or his girl or was mean to him or something. I also know it takes place in the 70s. HIGHLIGHT: I remember the ending like it was yesterday. Snoop Dogg stares straight at the camera and goes, “Dog Eat Dog, Motherfucker.” CUT. TO. BLACK.

P.S.: I think it’s called Bones cause that’s his name? Jimmy Bones?

BONES is available for $1.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

II. Teen Screams

Valentine (2001)

Possibly the stupidest of the late 90s/early 00s Scream knock-offs, Valentine’s Day is about a bunch of college-aged Karens who are stalked by a vicious, Cupid-masked killer. Problem is, they’ve all been so terrible to everyone in their life it could literally be anyone. Enter a dependably brooding David Boreanez as the mysterious new boyfriend. It’s rare I hate movie characters this much, these people are pretty rough. HIGHLIGHT: Denise Richards is one of the Karens.

Valentine is available for $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

Wish Upon: Unrated Director’s Cut (2017)

Probably the funniest watch on this list, this super lame Joey King high school horror movie is about a spoiled little brat who gets three wishes from this Chinese genie box (there’s awkwardly xenophobic moments throughout) but uses them all like an idiot and fucks up her entire life. HIGHLIGHT: Ryan Phillippe as her saxophone player single dad in a jazz band, who serenades viewers not once but twice throughout the runtime.

Wish Upon: Unrated Director’s Cut is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

The Lie (2020)

Perhaps even stupider than Wish Upon without the supernatural elements. Amazon has some fucking sack calling this a horror movie though, it’s basically a shitty Law and Order: SVU episode that doesn’t understand how the law or people work. Veena Sud writes and directs this piece of trash, which is shocking because The Killing was a really smart show. Here, Joey King murders her best friend after an argument and makes her parents clean up her mess. HIGHLIGHT: The ending, which I jokingly predicted 10 minutes in.

The Lie is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

III. Franchise Hell

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

The worst Nightmare on Elm Street movie ever made, this one is a full-on Saturday morning cartoon that disappears up its own ass to create this mythology of ancient worm demons possessing Freddy Krueger’s body. What a waste of Yaphet Kotto’s time. HIGHLIGHT: All the dumb celebrity cameos from Alice Cooper as Freddy’s abusive dad, to Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold as a couple of crazies. Also Johnny Depp.

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare is available for $1.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Original director/creator Sean S. Cunningham returns to the Friday-verse to fuck it up in a way only a bad dad can. Jason isn’t even in this movie for more than 15 or so minutes, he becomes this spirit energy that hops from body to body creating Jason-possessed zombies. Yeah, it’s dumb as hell and makes no sense. HIGHLIGHT: I guess just all the graphic violence and makeup effects, this is far and away the most brutal Friday the 13th film.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is available for $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

I wrote an entire article about this and the other Halloween movies dropping this Friday, so I won’t go into much detail here. This is far and way the worst Halloween film, it’s not even enjoyably bad. It’s a punishing mess you’d be an absolute idiot to get yourself mixed up with. See rental information below. HIGHLIGHT: When it’s over.

Halloween: Resurrection is available with AMC+ or for $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

IV. Incel Mania

Fade to Black (1980)

Awful 80s movie about a movie-obsessed incel (Dennis Christopher – Eddie from the 1990 miniseries It) who lashes out against the popular kids (including a very young Mickey Rourke) by killing them while dressed as different movie monsters. It’s really just a giant pity party for a guy who tries to make it our fault that he still lives at home with his mother and can’t get a date. What a fucking loser. HIGHLIGHT: The makeup and costuming is on-point.

Fade to Black is available on Shudder.

Maniac (1980)

Some people call this a masterpiece which I don’t understand, I found it to be exploitive and depressing without anything intelligent to say. This incel murders prostitutes and then nails their scalps on mannequins he fucks in his little bed. He falls in love with a woman and is somehow able to convince her he’s a normal guy (WHAT?!?!?!) who doesn’t murder prostitutes and then fuck mannequins with their scalps nailed onto them. This movie doesn’t know anything about basic psychology because this sexually traumatized sociopath wouldn’t be able to maintain a two-minute conversation with a real, live, pretty woman let alone convince her that he’s a good dude. What the fuck?! HIGHLIGHT: Joe Spinell is actually very effective as the incel, even if the character makes no sense.

Maniac is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

Pieces (1982)

Some nut job incel once got excited by an X-rated jigsaw puzzle as a child and then murdered his mom with an axe. Now, he’s an adult and trying to kill co-eds on a college campus. At one time this was on my Best Horror Movies list because while it is certainly deplorable it’s so bat-shit insane it’s actually quite the entertaining watch. HIGHLIGHT: “Bastard! Bastarrrrrd! Bastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddd!”

Pieces is available for streaming on Shudder

V. Holiday Horror

Jack Frost (1997)

A gross, mean-spirited and anything but funny B-movie horror comedy about a serial killer named Jack Frost possessing the body of a snowman. Everything about this movie from the acting to the production design is of the lowest quality. If you’re going to watch, watch as part of Joe Bob Briggs’ The Last Drive In if you have Shudder. LOWLIGHT: The snowman rapes Shannon Elizabeth in the shower with a carrot while goofy music plays.

Jack Frost is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

Santa’s Slay (2005)

Goldberg is Santa Claus but in a reality where Santa is this unhinged killing machine with equipped with more dad jokes than weapons. Movies rarely get stupider but there’s something endearing about all the quirky little puns Santa makes with all his fatalities including “I’m just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!”, “Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer!” and “Ho, ho..HOES!” when he walks into a local strip joint. Featuring Lost’s Emilie de Ravin and cameos by Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher and the always fuckable James Caan, it’s a hilariously awful addition to your holiday roster! HIGHLIGHT: Santa using a tree topper as a ninja star.

Santa’s Slay is available for $3.99 rental on Amazon Prime.

ThanksKilling (2008)

This groan-inducing little gem was shot in 11 days and made as an LMU school project by film students Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart. Literally opening on a pair of naked, middle-aged breasts, ThanksKilling follows a killer turkey named Turkie, possessed by the spirit of an angry Native American (that talks like an New Jersey truck driver for some reason) as he kills white people that stole his land. Featuring a bunch of classic puns spoken by Turkie including “You just got stuffed!” and “Gobble Gobble Motherfucker!” and an on-going Jon Benet Ramsay joke (classy), ThanksKilling is likely to be the worst thing you’ll ever see. LOWLIGHT: A rape scene with an extra extra small gravy flavored condom. How adorable.

ThanksKilling is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

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