2021 Hallmark Christmas Movie Guide w/ Audrey Farnsworth

Wow, what an adventure this Hallmark Christmas movie binge has been. It’s kind of like binge drinking for the soul, it’s all a blur for me but apparently, I watched five Hallmark Christmas movies this year and lived to tell the tale. First of all, these movies aren’t great for an ironic laugh like I thought they’d be. For the most part these are terribly boring movies where not much happens and that which does happen is so predictable. They’re intentionally pretty flat as to not rock the boat in your nice household. This is great senior care television, never challenging, never not wholesome, sometimes subtely offensive, always stupid.

Joining me for this binge is writer/comedian Audrey Farnsworth, someone who knows more about these movies than I do. Over the course of this article, we’ll be reviewing five of the 2021 new Hallmark Christmas movies, yes only five, we could only do five, here are the five:

Christmas at Castle Hart

84 minutes (2 hours with 36 minutes of Hallmark commercial breaks)

directed by: Stefan Scaini; written by: Paul Campbell, Bonnie Fairweather, Rick German

starring: Lacey Chabert, Stuart Townsend, Ali Hardiman, Ali White, Aoife Spratt, Kate O’Toole, Natalie Radmall-Quirke, Kevin McGahern

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

There was a moment about halfway through this movie where I asked Audrey, who has seen far more of these movies than I have if this is bad for Hallmark movie standards. Expecting her to say it’s worse and fearing her to say it’s about on par, Audrey blew my mind by telling me this steaming pile of cat shit was actually good for a Hallmark movie. A wave of fear rushed over me, not unlike the time I was abandoned in the middle of the Atlantic ocean during a snorkeling trip. My eyes widened, my heart sank, my faith crumbled, a part of me died. If this is the best movie we watch during this Hallmark Movie binge, will I survive to see my family come Christmas?

Christian Mingle: The Movie‘s Lacey Chabert stars as Brooke Bennett, a struggling caterer in New York City? who is fired/quits/both? from her catering job along with her best friend/biological sister, Margo, ridiculously overplayed by Ali Hardiman. The two decide, since they’re both freshly fired, now is as good a time as any to go on an elaborate European vacation to Ireland with a mission to track down their kin. When they get there, they meet a hunky guy who’s the Earl of this castle (Stuart Townsend from that Aayilah vampire movie) and a lot of strong Irish women. Margo also ropes Brooke into pretending to be the catering woman that fired them, in order to plan this big Christmas event for the Earl and the Duchess (Kate O’Toole) and impress them. They think this will inch them closer to getting their own catering business. Of course, hovering around the event is a celebrated food blogger who is best friends with the catering woman Brooke is pretending to be, so the whole time, they have to avoid her. This is never played to anywhere near its full comedic potential, with a bunch of lame “uhhhh, tell her I’m not there” excuses rolling off the top of Brooke’s dumb head. After an hour of tedious exposition and thirty-six minutes of Liberty Mutual commercials, this remedial holiday turd makes a mad dash for the finish line, where everything works out in a way that might have seemed shocking if there had been even a shred of believable conflict that preceded it.

I’d say these characters are stupid, but the entire world they inhabit is stupid. Every single person and every single thing, down to the obviously fake CGI castle and the green screen horseback riding, is ridiculously dumb. The acting is horrible across the boards, over-the-top in a way you’re probably mandated as an actor to be in these movies. Lacey Chabert and Stuart Townsend are bad but not memorably bad, Ali Hardiman on the other hand is next-level bad. In a performance so hammy it makes Jared Leto in House of Gucci look restrained, Hardiman serves facial expressions so large you’ll think the movie was shot for 3-D. When you’re half expecting her teeth to extend Xenomorph-style out of her mouth and bite off Lacey Chabert’s head, maybe it’s time for an emergency casting session.

My only wish is that this was more entertainingly bad rather than just bad in a way that makes you sleepy. At 84 minutes, it seems long, but that could have just been all the Liberty Mutual commercials. Audrey, what did you think?

“Why wouldn’t we go to Ireland?” Margo the sister exclaims. Ummm, I don’t know, maybe because you just…lost your jobs? Not trying to be a downer here but that is one Large reason that is not being acknowledged! How are you going to pay for that? Do you need to borrow money? Can I help? This is causing me anxiety. I mean, I don’t know, man, all I’m saying is that if I lost my job, I probably wouldn’t be like, “Hm, what’s the solution for this? Hang on. I know. Let’s get on a plane to the other side of the world to find an uncle.” 

And not to be rude but lying and saying you are event planners is NOT a good idea! Mostly because I think event planning is…probably really hard? Like, I think people are trained for it and need to know how to…do it. You know? You can’t just be like, “Well, I’ve BEEN to an event, and one time broke my shoe at one I worked at and pushed it under the table and walked around without any shoes because I thought this was a better idea than wearing the broken shoe—let me repeat that, I thought serving food at an event barefoot was a GOOD IDEA—so, yeah, I could definitely plan an event for a castle.

My favorite part of this movie was when the women show up at the castle for the first time while walking the oldest and largest bikes that have ever existed. Like, whoa, where’d you get those? The huge bike museum?

The Christmas Contest

84 minutes (2 hours with 36 minutes of Hallmark commercial breaks)

directed by: Paula Elle; written by: Joie Botkin

cast: Candace Cameron Bure, John Brotherton, Barbara Niven, B.J. Harrison, Jennifer Higgin, Doran Bell, Keenan Tracey

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

Okay so, [sighs a sigh so deep that it awakens an ancient demon in the lowest level of hell] this is what this movie is about: The local news is having a contest for someone to do activities and win money for a charity. A “Christmas contest”. Christmas contest. Sorry, is “contest” the best word here? I feel like it should be a different word. The word “contest” is bothering me. Competition, maybe? “Contest” is just so vague. Is it just me? Am I thinking too much? I am? Okay, well, anyway, you have to answer the question “What is Christmas?” “correctly” to…become a contestant in…the Christmas Contest, okay, sorry, no, I can’t get over this actually, I tried, whAT THE HELL. What??? Am I dead? Is this a situation? IS IT? Because it feels like my brain just got REAL small, dude. My brain just got fucking small as shit. They write an essay to win…sorry, to BE in the “contest.” And then they have to win the contest. Okay????????? What?????

I would like to say that the male lead in this is introduced while he is filming a commercial about beef. And beef is one of the sponsors of Hallmark movies. I think something is going on here with beef and Hallmark movies???? Something seems off about this and I am just the detective to figure out what the fuck it is! Okay let’s begin…wait…actually, I don’t care. At all. I don’t want to figure that out. I’m not going to do it! I simply will not. Beef is Hallmark’s husband. There. I figured it out.

“What is Christmas.” Let me answer like I am entering the Christmas Contest: Christmas is a day. A holiday, to be specific. For the whole month of December, the city celebrates Christmas by suddenly filled-up with 6,000,000 more cars than normal. It gets dark at 3pm so you feel like you live in a haunted house. It’s freezing (70 degrees). Put me in the Christmas contest, I just won! That’s Christmas! Lmao, sorry, hang on, there’s a charity in this movie called “Santa’s Little Health.” Santa’s little health. It’s like a holistic thing. Santa’s little health. SANTA’S LITTLE HEALTH. I am going to physically explode. OH, no, Santa’s Little Health got eliminated first! Bye to them!

How is this guy a redeeming male lead? Don’t trust this guy! He’s all “I love you!!!” and then goes “NO ACTUALLY I AM A LONE WOLF, BYE,” dear god. No. Stay far the fuck away from that guy, get him out of here. Send him to the moon. If she ends up with this guy, we have a problem!!! Sorry to be so invested in this! I can’t just “watch” these anymore, I have to “care,” apparently! That’s my arc that I have realized in writing these! SO WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, it seems that I, TOO, am a Hallmark main character! Look at me go! I am soaring high in the sky, changing myself for the better!!

“She remembered who I really am” he says to his grandma, insinuating that Candace Cameron “realized” that he’s a “bad guy.” LOL. YOU TOLD HER WHO YOU WERE. Don’t blame this on her! My god, I hate this guy. You said it! Own that! Dumbass. This guy sucks. Oh, great, HER OWN MOTHER is telling her to “fight for him.” Are you kidding me? I can’t. “I think I discovered the meaning of life,” he says and kisses her. And then we cut to a chandelier and it’s over. Just like my brain. During the later half of this movie, as all of this was happening, my brain actually punched itself out of my head, stole my car keys, and drove away in my car. I don’t know where it is, and also I don’t know anything, because I no longer have a brain. I will talk to you later. Michael. Help me. Have you seen my car?

NOT Jean Smart.

Wow this one sucked and there weren’t even any good commercials. Candace Cameron Bure (who I don’t know and kept calling Amy Coney Barrett) delivers an unequivocally terrible performance as some marketing exec who’s the daughter of a woman who looks a lot like Jean Smart. Not Jean Smart runs a nursing home that is going to go belly up if she can’t get her hands on cash. However, Not Amy Coney Barrett’s cocky ex-boyfriend played by this really horrible actor named John Brotherton runs a gym for underprivileged kids or something. Is it a gym? I’m not fucking looking it up. Anyway, these poor kids are going to lose their gym if he doesn’t get the cash. Enter this stupid Christmas Triathalon/trivia/baking contest hosted by a guy who hates loud noises. The grand prize is $50,000 so who is going to win? Him or her? And who’s going to get screwed? A bunch of underprivileged youths or a gaggle of old ladies?

Team Snowflake.

Anyway, a lot of boring crap ensues with them baking stuff that looks awful and answering stupid questions about Christmas. There are other people/teams they are competing with but it’s so obvious it’s going to be the two of them in the finals. My favorite is this Asian hipster girl who of course is on “Team Snowflake”. I shit you not. This is The Right’s idea of a snowflake. However, what’s beautifully ironic is that not only is she the nicest, quietest character in the whole movie, she has the best-looking dessert, which of course she gets eliminated over. Pure racism, folks. Not Amy Coney Barrett’s dessert looks like the rotting carcass of the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man and the ex-boyfriend’s dessert doesn’t look much better. Maybe that fucking snowflake should write a letter to congress about it…

The Whacky Grannies

Anyway, there’s a dance contest portion of this which should be brilliant cause it poises whacky grannies versus whacky kids and it’s just the most painfully dull thing imaginable. The Christmas Contest concludes with a 7th-grade-science-fair-esque oral presentation complete with tri-fold project boards, because that’s how contests for adults end. Both Not Amy Coney Barrett and Ex-Boyfriend decide to forfeit in favor of each other. “What is the meaning of life?” asks Not Amy Coney Barrett, the stupidest way anyone has ever begun a presentation on the meaning of Christmas. Anyway, the judge/host who hates loud noises decides to crown them both winners and they split the money down the middle. Unfortunately, half the money isn’t enough for them to keep the nursing home or youth center open, so both close down and everyone dies. Just kidding, everything gets saved and Not Jean Smart gets called away to film the second season of Hacks.

As stupid as this movie is and as much as it reaches Abu Ghraib levels of psychological torture, it moves a lot faster than half of these movies. That has to count for something, right?

Next Stop, Christmas!

84 minutes (2 hours with 36 minutes of Hallmark commercial breaks)

directed by: Dustin Rikert; written by: Duane Poole, Kari Drake

cast: Lyndsy Fonseca, Chandler Massey, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Eric Freeman, Matt Walton, Nicholas Delany, Paige Herschell, Allie Trimm, Erika Slezak

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

Next Stop Christmas is far better produced than anything we’ve seen from Hallmark this year, but somehow it’s still a cheap-looking piece of shit. Not even the inclusion of Back to the Future stars Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson and basically the entire plot lifted from Back to the Future can save it from feeling like something that was shot on a lazy weekend. At least the acting is way better than it is in Castle at Christmas Heart or The Christmas Contest. By “better”, I mean maybe crossing the threshold into mediocre territory.

The plot of this one follows Angie Reynolds (Lyndsy Fonseca) a trauma surgeon or nurse or something who gets sad around the holidays because her family is breaking apart and she’s still single. Angie and her bestie go to this unrealistically empty NYC bar to drown their sorrows, when Angie’s ex, some Ken-doll-looking, plastic, vanilla pretty-boy named Tyler Grant appears on the bar tv. Tyler (Eric Freeman) is now one of the highest-paid sports commentators in the world, even though his sports show looks like it was produced on a take-home green screen. I mean, even the print ads for his show (apparently the highest-rated sports show on television) look like they were designed by a local Phoenix comedian.

Angie boards her drunk, melancholy ass on a train back home where a magical ticket taker played by Doc Brown himself, hands her a magical golden ticket. “Whatever,” she thinks before passing out on the train like a total slob. She wakes up shortly after to discover it’s the year 2011 and she’s taking home her boyfriend, Tyler Grant, to meet her family. Can she correct her wrong and make Tyler and his future money fall in love with her? Not if this equally generic-looking lawyer (Chandler Massey) has anything to say about it.

I was surprised by how painless this one was. Yes, it’s awful, but it is never boring. A near-impossible feat for a movie that’s basically about nothing and completely void of any reasonable conflict. The lead actress, Lyndsy Fonseca, might just be the Tilda Swinton of Hallmark, miraculously rising to the level of passable. The two stunt dicks are pretty decent too with Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson, of course, being best-in-show. The actor who plays the dad is pretty lifeless and the actress who plays the cousin is super annoying. About an eighth as annoying as Ali Hardiman from Christmas at Castle Hart, but still pretty grating. The CGI is hilarious (see below), the writing is way below par and the directing suggests a middle school production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

I can’t believe every single one of these movies is 84 minutes with 36 minutes of commercials in between. Three movies in and still not used to it. But there was this confounding and tone-deaf Kia EV6 commercial about a struggling Los Angeles screenwriter who somehow has the money to buy the vehicle and uses it to drive around and get ideas for her writing. Advanced ideas like having it take place in the past in and actually having an ending. It’s worse than any two hour Hallmark movie imaginable. Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KROvBjbOe3w&t=2s

Audrey, what did you think of Next Stop, Christmas, and more importantly, what did you think of this shitty Kia commercial?

Right, okay, well let me start off by talking about the Kia commercial. I think that if you live in that city where all of that shit is happening and barely any cars are driving around, you’d be nuts not to take advantage of that. HOWEVER, I feel like you’d probably be used to it by now? And probably wouldn’t need to leave your fancy screenwriting office building (?) and get into your car that is parked directly outside (??) to get inspiration from the phantom of the opera and his…knife in a box (???), I think?

Anyway, I’m going to be honest with you here. Something really disturbing happened to me while watching this movie. You see, I…well, I liked it. Like I actually liked it. I liked this movie, genuinely. Okay?? I liked it. It’s good and fun, to be honest?? Everyone talks at the speed of sound?? There’s a train wearing a wreath that “travels through time” but the time bubble makes it look like the train is being…incinerated? Christopher Lloyd wears a hat with a gigantic gold plate on it that says CONDUCTOR and just pops up on his train every now and then? Sorry! I’m into it! And this is what happened to Doc Brown, I guess! He grew old and lives on a train. Sorry! That’s what happened.

I think my one problem with it was that, at one point, one of the main characters starts choking on a full gumdrop and then projectile spits it at another guy’s face who gets all grossed out and it’s like…dude, that gumdrop wasn’t even chewed, it’s whole. It isn’t even wet. You’re fine. Also, these people have full cookies like taped to their gingerbread houses. Full ass cookies. How? Why? Is this a thing? I guess that’s not a “problem” I have, it’s just a…question.

An important aspect of this movie is that one of the commercials said that this presentation was sponsored by beef. Not a beef product, but simply beef. 

A Very Merry Bridesmaid

84 minutes (2 hours with stupid Hallmark bullshit commercial breaks)

directed by: David I. Strasser; written by: Tracy Andreen, Elena Valdez

cast: Emily Osment, Casey Deidrick, Patch May, Frances Leigh, Iris Quinn, Mike Dopud, Parmiss Sehat, Libby Osler, Tanya Dixon-Warren

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

All right, so a woman decides to get married on Christmas Eve which is also her sister-in-law’s bridesmaid’s birthday. And then her fiancé buys a house without telling her (?????) AND wants his family to help repair the house before the wedding, which is in two weeks by the way, and on Christmas Eve AND his sister’s birthday. These guys are straight-up rude! Meanwhile, his sister is…trying to hide the fact that it’s her birthday from her family, who already knows it’s her birthday. That’s what this movie is. WHAT THE HECK.

During the rest of the movie, what happens is that all of the main character’s friends keep becoming surprised about how a hot man keeps remembering it’s her birthday, which means that he is perfect and loves her. Because he…remembers her birthday. And at one point she tells the hot man that one of her ex-boyfriends is “allergic to horses.” I’m just letting you know what happens in this movie. I’m not sure if I have any thoughts. Like at all, about anything. Ever. Have I ever had a thought? I can’t remember.

Actually, I do have something to say and it’s about one of the commercials advertising a game called “June’s Journey.” Let me talk about “June’s Journey” to you for a second. Apparently, in this game, you go into a hoarder’s mansion and try to…find clues as to what she needs to throw out? Dammit, the movie’s back and everyone is wearing the largest cowl neck sweaters I have EVER SEEN. I keep imagining the sweater coming alive and eating the character, haha. Sorry, wait, I can’t…actually see the movie anymore because another movie called “A Royal Christmas” is being advertised to me on the lower thirds, which take up like MOST of the screen.

OH, SHIT, ANOTHER “JUNE’S JOURNEY” COMMERCIAL! Okay, so, according to the narrator of this commercial, “June’s Journey” is “for”…” people who notice things like when your wife gets a new dress.” WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GAME? Is this just a passive-aggressive ploy to make husbands notice wives’ new items????? Anyway, on this commercial break, I actually died. It was so long—maybe 6 full minutes—that my body turned to only bone. The skin melted off my skeleton and I was released from my skin prison. I am now a clean skeleton, already having had time to go through the decaying process and be completely and ONLY bone. My organs dried up, the blood evaporated. And now I am dead as a doornail and we still have 10 minutes left of the movie. Mikey, what did you think???

I thought June’s Journey was only the second most ridiculous commercial during this movie. The first was for a product called “Cologuard”. It starts with four millennials out to lunch at a restaurant and the waiter asks, “Fries or salad?” and this almost fat dude eyes a plate of fries, takes a deep breath, and responds, “Salad.” “Good choice!” his wife exclaims and then a cartoon box walks onto the table and says “It is!” and then proceeds to list all these facts about colon cancer. Apparently, this is a box you take home and defecate in to tell you if you have colon cancer or not. Apparently, there are enough forms of colon cancer that this product can detect exactly 92% of them. That’s more than five types of colon cancer! That’s pretty scary, to be honest, and it’s something that unfortunately runs in my family. This is why I’m always interested to hear about these risks and such, but not like this. Who at Big Anus let this fly?! The concept of a room full of people giving the go-ahead to a smiling cartoon box character that’s basically like “No need to worry, just shit in me!” to a bunch of people eating lunch is maybe the funniest thing that’s ever happened in the history of the world.

But onto the flick, this is far and away, the most boring, meandering milquetoast Hallmark Christmas Movie we’ve watched so far. Haley Osment is on the precipice of turning 30 and she runs this stupid antique store that features trinkets from around the world called “World Charms”. The problem is, she and everyone in this movie are the most xenophobic homebodies imaginable. There is so much talk about traveling the globe and learning about new cultures, but these idiots never leave their hometown for anything. Her brother is getting married to this woman who’s sort of portrayed as this wet blanket because she’s upset her handmade wedding gown from England got lost by the dickheads at Delta Airlines. WHO WOULDN’T BE UPSET BY THAT?! I once saw a Delta Airlines guy driving a luggage cart at O’Hare lose six bags. When they fell off, he looked back, shrugged, and kept driving. Who knows where her wedding dress is at this point? My guess is that the Delta Airlines guy is using it as a bath mat. I mean, if the wife is going to be portrayed as an asshole for anything it should be scheduling a wedding on Christmas. Can you imagine someone having the nerve to invite you to their wedding on Christmas? Where the fuck does this family get off?!?!!?!

Another dumb thing about this is that the brother has his bachelor party on Christmas Eve. Seriously, this guy is a total piece of shit. Who would show up to this?! The bachelor party is just five guys hanging around a kitchen counter eating caramel corn while their wives/Emily Osment roam around in the background. Also, they introduce the dad as having this severe heart problem but never do anything with it. You’re almost positive he’s going to die or have a heart attack at the top of the third act, but nothing happens. Why even mention it then? It makes no sense.

I even forgot how this movie ends. I think the brother and his wife get married and then the best man gets with Emily Osment. Also, it’s interesting to note that the hunky leading male best man is almost two feet taller than the brother getting married. Look, short people are desirable too. Don’t believe everything Randy Newman has told you. Actually, their stature allows them to fit into more places, which is only a benefit. What’s the amazing appeal of being tall, anyway? Is it sexy to constantly hit your head on door frames and low ceilings? Is Herman Munster fuckable? Anyway, let’s move on.

Boyfriends of Christmas Past

84 minutes (2 hours with stupid Hallmark bullshit commercial breaks)

directed by: Don McBrearty; written by: Lisa Kyonga Parson, Edie Grace

cast: Catherine Haena Kim, Raymond Ablack, Paul Sun-Hyung Lee, Karn Kalra, Jon McLaren, Ishan Morris, Joran Kronis, Jenna Katz, Susan Hanson

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

This has to be the laziest, aimless, most meandering, milquetoast version of A Christmas Carol ever put to film. It follows a career woman who doesn’t have time for anything because she has a career. She’s a marketing executive and is working on this big pitch presentation for something I already forgot (and I watched this last night.) Her best friend is the most boring dude in the world who likes sports and hates pineapple on pizza, and he’s also in love with her. When things are looking like she’s going to be single forever, she has these dreams/hallucinations of her old boyfriends visiting her to hammer into her head that she has a commitment phobia and she needs to fuck her best friend ASAP.

The first ghost doesn’t even show up till 38 minutes into the movie, which is absolutely absurd. He’s a skater bro that was her first BF, he looks like he’s really bad at sex. He’s the Marley of the story and not even the first actual ghost. The ghost of Christmas Past (?) is her old college BF whose idea of being spontaneous and quirky is buying them both ugly Christmas sweaters. This is when I was like, I don’t remember this in college, and then I realized this protagonist is younger than I am. That’s frightening. I’m an old woman now. Anyhoo, the second boyfriend (Ghost of Christmas Present? but it’s still the past!) is this handsome tool that’s more forceful than he lets on. The third boyfriend (Ghost of Christmas Future? but it’s still the past!) is the biggest dickhead of all, a man who would propose to a woman while ziplining and then get all aggressive when she says no. Eventually, they try to make her see that she should love and marry her best friend. Also, this ends with her best friend, before even asking her out on a single date, proposing to her on Christmas morning in front of her entire family. WHAT?! I’d be like, calm down, let me see your dick first.

The acting in this is pretty bad, except for the boss at the marketing agency. She comes along with more sass than your typical Hallmark expository character. The lead female – you don’t need to know any of these one-dimensional idiots’ names – is bad and the lead male is worse. The dad has a weird line delivery rhythm and the stepmom is not terrible. There’s also a big part in this where the lead, a marketing exec, has a big revelation that maybe her pitch should hit on people’s emotions instead of just speeds and feeds. WOW. Did she just invent something in the world of marketing?! If I was her boss, I’d fire her on the spot. Pack up your shit, idiot.

As far as commercials go, this one had some highlights. There’s this really long, drawn-out snow Swiffer commercial that removes snow from your car. This thing has to be four whole minutes, it’s insane! Also, there’s a commercial for a psychic advisor, which is like a Zoom therapist but predicts the future for you. The crown jewel is one of those back stretcher exercise contraptions where you hang upside down. An old man is so excited about his he jumps and screams “yippee!” in the middle of the commercial (pictured above).

I’m so glad this binge is over. These movies aren’t even so bad they’re hilarious from an ironic watch standpoint, they’re mostly just dull and flavorless. Christmas Hallmark movies never take any big swings, but I think that’s the point. It’s wholly unchallenging, pleasant viewing to throw on in the background while you wrap presents or cook egg nog. If you want something so awful it’s funny, watch The Kissing Booth trilogy.

The Kissing Booth 3 (2021)

First of all, The Kissing Booth is the single most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life. I think I almost died watching it because I didn’t have my inhaler with me. ANYWAY. This movie features the BIGGEST BUSINESSWOMAN YET, as far as the movies we’ve been watching. Like this chick is a MARKETING FUCKING MANAGER, baby, and she is WORKING. Here is some sample dialogue: “I really should be working on work after work but I have to get it all done during work so I can hang out with my dad.”

Her dad and stepmom.

So, I know that her best friend is in love with her, but I really don’t think it’s going to work out? “I don’t want my whole life to be about work,” he says (hints) at the woman whose whole life is about work. Like, seriously, every time this guy tries to tell her he loves her, she looks into his eyes and sees business. She stops him and is like, “WAIT I JUST HAD A PITCH IDEA ABOUT WORKING MARKETING FOR MY JOB” and he’s like :(. Give it up, my man! 

First boyfriend not including the host/Marley stand-in. So, technically Ghost #1 but would be the second official ghost. So he’s the first or second ghost, depending on how you’re measuring. Does that make sense?

I guess I was expecting a thousand boyfriends to show up one after one but it’s been on for like 38 minutes and there’s no boyfriends? Where are all of the boyfriends? I want them to stampede over a mountain and make the ground shake? We better have a lot of rapid boyfriends arriving so quick they pile on top of each other.

All four of the old boyfriends – Skater Marley, Guitar Dude, Business Guy, and Kid Zipline.

Why don’t we discuss what’s actually important here: the commercials. Watching this movie taught me a few things: that CVS has a song now, that there’s a website called “Nuts dot com,” that there’s a product called “Snow Broom” (??), but most importantly, it gave us the preview for another upcoming Hallmark movie called The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls, which is about two brothers. That’s right! It’s the mens’ turn to have a Christmas! This time? It’s the boys, for THIS holiday. Deck those halls, men! What are you waiting for?! Me? Don’t! The brothers are having a Christmas AND it’s in the Christmas house, for the SECOND time. So grab your toolboxes and rev up your truck, ’cause it’s beer thirty somewhere and this time, it’s the MEN doing Christmas!

FINAL RANKINGS/ASSESSMENTS

GREEN = Margetis ; RED = Audrey

These movies are terrible and very rarely so bad they’re good. It was a slog getting through all of these, with the exception of Next Stop, Christmas!, which was bad but never miserable. Boyfriends of Christmas Past was the runner-up, only being a slog to get through half of the time. The other three were super slogs though, the sloggiest movies I’ve seen all year, with A Very Merry Bridesmaid being the stand-out worst. Please don’t watch these movies. The Coen Brother Macbeth adaptation with Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand is coming to AppleTV on Christmas, just watch that instead maybe?

  1. Next Stop, Christmas! (3/10)
  2. Boyfriends of Christmas Past (2/10)
  3. The Christmas Contest (1.5/10)
  4. Christmas at Castle Hart (1.5/10)
  5. A Very Merry Bridesmaid (0/10)

I guess there’s no use lying about it because it’s already a known fact: I genuinely enjoy this shit. I love to sit in a bath of Hallmark movies while giving a hang loose sign, what can I say! It should be noted that I am a dumbass and enjoy the feeling of my brain shrinking. As it shrinks, I clap and clap and laugh and have a nice time.

  1. Next Stop, Christmas! (7.5/10)
  2. Boyfriends of Christmas Past (5/10)
  3. The Christmas Contest (3/10)
  4. Christmas at Castle Hart (2/10)
  5. A Very Merry Bridesmaid (1/10)

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