50 Best Westerns of All Time

This quintessential American genre, the Western, is something of my blind spot in my movie knowledge. As a child, the life of a cowboy never really appealed to me, I was much more into cynical crime dramas and cheesy 80s horror cinema, widely known especially in the UK as the Video Nasties. I remember trying to watch True Grit, the John Wayne original, with my dad when I was around 10 or so and being terribly, impossibly bored. And really not too taken with Wayne’s “acting”.

In high school, I began to see Westerns I really enjoyed like Clint Eastwood‘s Unforgiven and John Hillcoat’s The Proposition. I also enjoyed light popcorn fodder like Tombstone or the live-action cartoon The Quick and the Dead. But again, I never really fell in love with the genre.

Cut to present day, I’m in my early 30s and I’ve seen a bunch of more Westerns. A lot of revisionist Westerns like the emotionally but not physically brutal, PG-rated Meek’s Cutoff or this past year’s big Oscar contender The Power of the Dog. Both written and directed by women, Kelly Reichardt and Jane Campion, respectively, and both offering a different take on what Tony Soprano could call “the strong, silent type.” I also caught a couple of extraordinary classics like John Ford’s beautifully rendered My Darling Clementine and Sam Peckinpah’s insanely violent and nihilistic The Wild Bunch. I also caught some weird ass fringe shit like Alexander Jodorowsky’s El Topo.

Without any further ado, here are my Top 50 Best Westerns!

50. Best Western Tuscon Int’l Hotel & Suites

You’ll just fall in love with the complimentary Sonoran Doggies (bite sized version of the Tuscon classic!) they hand out when you check into this place. Furnished with luxurious southwestern furniture and Cinemax After Dark, if you have any issues just ask for Big Carla! – Melanie Hesstruck

49. Best Western Orlando Gateway

Watch out for crocodiles, matey! This Orlando institution is known for its miniature Crocodile Zoo in the lobby as well as the best conch fritters in the state! Ask for the Irwin Suite where the California King bed comes with croc skin sheets! It’s cold-blooded, dawg 🙂 – J. Jay Jackson

48. Best Western Plus Mid Nebraska Inn & Suites

I don’t want to sound CORNY, but there’s no way you can SHUCK an opportunity to stay in this Nebraska hot spot! It ain’t super fancy like a Hollywood production, but three scenes of the Jack Nicholson-vehicle, About Schmidt, were filmed here. Remember the vibrator scene?? We do too! And they have it, behind plexiglass in the lobby! – Eleanor Cankersore

47. Best Western Plus Newark NJ Airport

My girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks, so I took her to New Jersey! JK. That old joke is super misogynist, hateful, and gross, absolutely nothing like the practical but still classy Plus Newark NJ Airport Best Western, where every bed is a twin! It’s the perfect place to rest your body for a few hours before hopping on a flight to Bosnia. – J. Jay Jackson

46. Best Western West Kelowna Plus Wine Country

Splish-Splash, I’m Taking a Bath, and it’s not even a Saturday night! After a day of wine tastings, venture back to this lush Canadian resort for some aquatic action! Featuring three swim-up bars, a swim-up non-gendered restroom, and even a swim-up micropub. Get the Barnacle Burger, it subs out ground beef for fried squid! – Arlos Encia

45. Best Western Los Angeles Worldport

Am I in heaven or just the City of Angels? This uber retro dive spot is perfect for rural tourists looking for some of that city grit. It’s the only hotel I know of that doesn’t rinse their produce! – Eleanor Cankersore

44. Best Western Inn of Chandler

Located conveniently next to a McDonald’s for all you early adventurers, this comfy sleeper offers thrilling views of both a firearm and an ammunition store. Two separate stores, both dedicated to contribution of gun violence in Arizona. If you can find a better nap nook in all of Chandler, fuck it! – Arlos Encia


43. Best Western Plus Hospitality House – NYC

Start spreading the news, I’m leaving today! I want to be a part of it, New York, New Yoooorrrrrk! Your vagabond shoes will be longing to stray from the simple rural settings of your homestead, so why not take them to the city that never sleeps! Featuring air conditioning. – Marco Testicliano, Sr.

42. Best Western Branson Inn and Conference Center

Hear that? That’s the music of the city! Or it might just be from the strip club, Knoephla Knockers, attached directly to the back. Whether you need a place to park your biscuits at night or a ballroom to hold business events during the day, this Best Western offers some of the finest hospitality in the Midwest. Remember, square dancing on Fridays and Spaghetti Casserole Bake-offs on Saturday! – Eleanor Cankersore

41. Best Western Hollywood Plaza Inn-Hollywood Walk-of-Fame Hotel-LA

From KoRnKiD96‘s Yelp review:

Very comfortable and reasonably-priced 2-star hotel. Didn’t see any bed bugs, but can’t say I really looked. Had a free continental breakfast that runs from 3 AM to 6 AM. Also, make sure to check out the world-famous Hollywood Walk of Fame. Just try not to get stabbed by a vagrant having a psychological breakdown on Tim Allen‘s star, like I did.

40. Best Western New Orleans East

“Pinch the tail and suck the head” isn’t just a phrase used by sex workers anymore! Not at this spicy creole offrin’, a sensibly furnished Best Western with an award-winning*** staff of the nicest folks in hospitality. Enjoy our Bingo Boozeday Blowout, a fun fais-do-do every Tuesday evening at 5:45pm in the Shia LeBeouf Memorial Bourre Lounge. Free crawfish and cherry mudslides, fo as long they last! Get there early, now! – Stanley Dickfiddler

***1997, 1998 & 2004 Best Western Most Hospitable Staff Award – Southeastern Region

39. Best Western Plus Minneapolis-Northwest

When it isn’t getting completely dicked over by a snowstorm, this cozy little inn is a great rest and snack spot from your road trip travels. Folks have written from all over the world, commending our heated indoor pool. It’s no wonder the Minnesota Freemasons host their annual water polo tournament here! – J. Jay Jackson

38. Best Western Oak Forest Chicago Southland

If you get shot, you get half off of your room! That’s $37, baby! Get on down to the Southland of Chicago and enjoy a fabulous lobby ping pong table and an impressive selection of in-room movie rentals.***Gizelle Goossler

***Due to a copyright filing issue they only have Ang Lee’s Hulk available for rental.


37. Best Western Georgetown Inn West End (Washington D.C.)

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell!” was a popular phrase from the 1973 horror classic, The Exorcist, which was shot just a block away! Enjoy the signature duck sausage and chicken gumbo at the Georgetown Inn West End’s lobby Cajun eatery, The Power of Rice Compels You, as well as super reasonable valet parking. It is a wonderful day for an exorcism at Georgetown’s Best Western! – J. Jay Jackson

36. Best Western Fayetteville

DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DUM-DUM-DA-DA-DA-DUM-DUM! That’s Hail to Chief in case you didn’t know, which is appropriate cause Fayetteville is a great tourist destination to see the first home of President Bill and Almost President Hillary Clinton. And Best Western knows that, they offer $3 rides to the Clinton House Museum, every fifteen minutes, six days a week, one-hundred and fifty-one days of the year! Also, why is Jay allowed to curse in his write-ups? – Marco Testicliano, Sr.

35. Best Western Near Keene State

Cause fuck you, that’s why! Do you know how lucky your old stupid ass is to have this job writing hotel reviews? Pretty lucky, dude, so maybe instead of focusing on me and my personal achievements and the way I conduct myself, you can literally take a step away from your ancient Windows 95 desktop set up at your nursing home and literally fuck your own throat. Pound it like you have a g-spot back there, shitbag! Also, this Best Western located near Keene State in gorgeous New Hampshire is known for its underwater basketball court. J3 out. – J. Jay Jackson

34. Best Western John Jay Inn Sacramento

I’d like to see you try to make me fuck my own mouth, you punk-ass motherfucker! I was only asking why you got to curse cause I had this joke I wanted to tell about an apple orchard and Julia Roberts‘ gynecologist, not because I’m trying to attack your obviously fragile ego, but because my readers like when I’m totes sassy. Assholes like you are the reason I don’t work at The Washington Post anymore, you smug jag off! Also if you’re ever in Sacramento and want to stay at a place with a sushi bar gym, Best Western John Jay Inn has you covered. – Marco Testicliano, Sr.

33. Best Western On the River, Hannibal MO

Guys, please stop fighting! You’re the two travel writers I look up to most here, and you’re acting like absolute jackasses. You were my heroes and now I feel like I don’t even know you. Have your mom wipe your bottoms, apologize to each other and get over it. Also, any literary fans in da house? This cozy and practical Best Western along the Mississippi River is just a stone’s throw away from Mark Twain’s childhood home where, as a baby, he wrote his first n-bomb – Stanley Dickfiddler

32. Best Western Colonial Inn, Cordele GA

Your name is literally “Dickfiddler”, idiot. – J. Jay Jackson

31. Best Western Atlanta/Marietta Ballpark

Have my mom wipe my bottom? Are you high, Stan? What does that mean?! Wanna grab a beer, Jay? I’m not due back at my nursing home till 10pm hahahahaha fucker. – Marco Testliciano, Sr.

30. Best Western Phoenix Goodyear

HAHHAHAHAHAHAA. As long as Dickfiddler isn’t invited, can you believe we’re his “heroes”?! God, that’s next level creepy. Back before we were all remote, this motherfucker used to microwave fish in the break room. Unreal. – J. Jay Jackson

29. Best Western Santa Rosa

If you’re ever feeling lonely or underappreciated because of relentless emotional abuse inflicted by your co-workers cause nobody can properly pronounce your Danish last name – d-ee-ck-fiht-lurrr – you should check out the lush boating destinations and jet ski rentals of Santa Rosa, NM. Sometimes I’ll just rent a jet ski on Park Lake and ride it alone for hours thinking about all the things I need to fix in my brain. – Stanley Dickfiddler


28. Best Western Plus Anaheim Inn

If you and the family are looking for an affordable stay in the Anaheim area while you visit the Magic Kingdom, please refrain from mentioning this to any of the staff. Tensions between the Disney Corporation and the Best Western Plus Anaheim Inn are currently at a high due to last year’s What Would Walt Want? promotion. It was a poor attempt to recoup business lost during COVID, one that was not authorized by either Disney or Best Western. Hotel manager Brian Dorfer and his staff are in the hottest of legal waters right now, and are paying for representation out of pocket, as their rogue act disqualifies them from receiving the services of the Best Western legal team. An air of bitterness and resentment has filled the Best Western Plus Anaheim Inn. Guests who mention Disneyland or arrive wearing any Disney merchandise have often been on the receiving end of staff members’ profanity-laced threats of violence. Although no staff members have followed through with these threats, we fear it is only a matter of time before someone gets hurt, or worse. Please take all of this into account before booking your reservation. – Larry Cuculic, CEO of Best Western Hotels

27. Best Western Bethel-Danbury CT

From SusanKraeger1972‘s Yelp Review:

When my father was gunned down outside of CVS last year, I had to go back home to claim his body and settle his estate. The original plan was to stay at his house, but due to the overwhelming stench – turns out he was hoarding old diapers and rotisseried squirrel carcasses in the living room – YUCK! – I found myself at the Best Western Bethel-Danbury just up the block. The amenities were nice – the shower heated up quick, the TV had HBO, the bed performed well – and the staff was even nicer! I can’t tell you how many nights of my eventual (and unintentional) 32-day stay I’d end up black out drunk in the lobby, bawling my eyes out while empty whippet canisters fell from my purse. At first, the staff was a bit intimidated by me but eventually they let me talk with them about my dad, my firing at my job and really just my life in general. There was one guy, Javier, who was a really good listener. Only he didn’t listen with his ears…like I said, bed performed WELL. 4/5 for Best Western, 10.5″ for Javier!

26. Best Western Galaxy Inn Dover, DE

Look, I don’t believe in the supernatural. Or at least I thought I didn’t. There was knocking at my door at around 10PM which I assumed was housekeeping. When I answered the door, nobody was there and the knocking continued well into the early hours of the morning. I turned on the TV for background noise and tried to get some shut eye, but kept waking during the night due to what felt like the bed moving on it’s own. After a terrible night’s sleep, I wanted to take a shower. That’s when I noticed I had scratch marks all over my back which were NOT there before. Attached it photo for reference.

Out of curiosity, I checked through the drawers to see if the Bible was still in the room and it seems to have been defaced and partially burned. Anyways, I think this place might be haunted… so I guess stay here on your own risk. I suppose all these things could be a coincidence… but maybe bring a priest with you! jk lol !! -R&B Recording Artist Babyface

25. Best Western Lexington Inn

I legit thought this was a bank. 4/5 stars. – Gizelle Goosler

24. Best Western Plus Glendale (Glendale, CA)

One time Jon Hamm was seen at this Best Western after visiting a nearby Nordstrom and buying a pair of boots. A now-fired employee claims that Mr. Hamm got his key, went to his room, and then five minutes later a crash was heard and the boots were found by the pool, apparently thrown out of the open window of the room in anguish. Hamm could be overheard screaming, “THEY WEREN’T THE RIGHT COLOR” and then sobbing was heard. A few hours later, Mr. Hamm was seen wearing a bed’s comforter as a cloak and sneaking into the pool area, where he picked up the boots, gave them each a kiss, and quietly went back into his hotel room. – Patridge Clue – Staff writer at Hotels R’ Us

23. Best Western Inn Monroeville, AL

Welcome to Monroeville, Alabama! Location of American writing legend Truman Capote‘s summer home he visited sometimes. This hotel was built 13 years after his death, but if he was still alive he would have certainly loved the free wifi and on-site parking. More like Continental Breakfast at Tiffany’s! – Eleanor Cankersore

22. Best Western Plus Fairfield Executive Inn

They call this an executive inn because if you stay here, you automatically become CEO of a company. You thought you were just getting some shuteye, but, BAM now you’re in charge of Carl’s Jr! Better figure out what a goddamn balance sheet is if you want to stay here, ya dumb old dick. –Trinity Slaps


21. Best Western Turquoise Inn & Suites, Cortez, CO

Welcome to beautiful Cortez, CO! You’re in the American Southwest now, and we’re not going to let you forget it for even one fucking second. We’re up to our chins in turquoise! Seriously, we have so much turquoise it’s a problem. Our manager Tom’s marriage is in trouble because he ordered way too much turquoise while he was high on cough syrup. Please take some turquoise back with you from Ohio or wherever the fuck you’re from so Margie won’t leave again. –Trinity Slaps

20. Best Western London Peckham Hotel

Stay in London in style at this recently remodeled Best Western in beautiful Peckham. Each and every visitor here will be visited by a minimum of three ghosts. Each spectre will take you through a harrowing journey of your life’s deepest, darkest regrets. One will even show you how will die if you don’t get your shit together, Ron. You think you’ll get this kind of service at a Holiday Inn? You really think a Marriott will have a small boy at the ready you can demand to tell you what day it is after a night of poltergeists telling you you’ve run your life into the ground? -Trinity Slaps

19. Best Western Tokyo Nishikasai Grande

Konnichi-HI-YA’LL! Lorraine here, Italian-American by birth, Japanese by spirit, I’m a mature-aged professor of East Asian Studies over at Arizona State University. Now, I know I’ve never physically been to Japan (DANG STUDENT LOANS!), but I feel like a part of my soul always resides there. Underneath a big cherry tree, that’s always in season, in the smooth soil underneath an assembly of sacred rocks, representing the union of the creators of the kami or so says the Shinto, by a healthy set of bamboo stalks. That’s where my first body was buried, when I was a little girl in the 1940s. I then got transferred stateside by the Buddha to Fairfield, New Jersey where I was born into Lorraine. I’m sorry, was this about hotels? – Dr. Lorraine Calluzzo

18. Best Western Fargo, North Dakota

From MagicMelvyn‘s Yelp Review:

Morning, dreamers. Mevlyn Markos here. Three-time recipient of the Southwest Regional Best Magician Over 40 award and a self-proclaimed water expert. Water is a key element to all of my illusions, so I understand how she thinks. I can manipulate large bodies of water using telekinetic brain warfare and I have been contacted in the past by certain government agencies to aid in top secret cases. The heated indoor water playground at the Best Western Fargo, North Dakota is among the most relaxing and peaceful bodies of water I’ve been around. Water is like a woman, she absorbs the energy around her and that informs her decisions. Piss her off and there’s hell to pay, make her come and the possibilities are endless. The people in ND have clearly been very kind to her because she’s completely at ease and awe-inspiring to be around. She knows me implicitly. She knows me better than my own wife.

17. Best Western Plus Provo University Inn

Whether you’re just passing through Provo or you’re a pair of young BYU sweethearts who need someplace to have anal sex, this is the hotel for you! Located just off the highway, the Best Western Plus Provo University Inn has become something of a hip hangout for the college crowd, as it is the safest place for them to push the boundaries of what is and isn’t considered premarital intercourse in the eyes of Heavenly Father. Closed on Sundays. – Danny “Jeffrey” Dahmer, host of Travel Channel’s “Cakes on a Plane.”

16. Best Western Plus Miami Airport

If you’ve come this far, then I assume you collected the briefcase from the drop-off point. Now listen carefully, because our arrangement isn’t quite over. Enter the Best Western Plus Miami Airport hotel and check in under the name “Richard Bachman.” You’ll be given a key card for room 2024. Go to the room and place the case on the bed. Return to the lobby and enjoy one of the best continental breakfasts that Miami has to offer, complete with a robust house blend of Cuban coffee and seasonal fresh fruit selections. When my associates and I confirm that you brought what we asked, your family will be returned. Again, do not attempt any heroics. You are more than aware of what we are capable of. – No Name Given

15. Best Western Plus Lake City, FL

Best Western aficionados don’t call this “the one with the toilet gators” for nothin’!

What started as a major problem has become something of a badge of honor for this Lake City hotel. Tourists looking for a little adventure and a true taste of Florida flock to this one year round in the hopes that a leather-skinned pal might crawl up the plumbing and stick around for a spell. Awesome! – Danny “Jeffrey” Dahmer, host of Travel Channel’s “Hey, Where the Hell Do You Think You’re Going?!”


14. Best Western Tolleson, AZ

Travelers beware! VERY rude housekeeping. I was on a business trip with some associates and I decided to step out to grab a Diet Code Red from the soda machine around the corner. The hotel staff decided to open our door WITHOUT KNOCKING and shot my business partners multiple times with a suppressed shotgun. My luggage and toiletries were completely covered in brain matter. I left a complaint to the front desk but have not heard back. TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE! Also, there was no trash bag in the bathroom trashcan. I will never stay here again!! -by Vinny T. on Google Reviews

13. Best Western Premier Kapital Opera in Paris, France

If you like being confused, take a trip to Paris, France and stay at the Best Western Premier Kapital Opera. There’s no opera to be found…ANYWHERE. WHERE IS THE OPERA?! Fat dude with pancake makeup singing about JG Wentworth, maybe some of those horny viking helmets? NOPE. Here I thought, oh, I’ve heard of dinner theater, but hospitality theater? That sounds cool, I wonder if you can watch the opera from your hotel room as you fall sleep or if you have to go in the lobby? Or go to an opera house attached to the building? UH-UH, NOT HAPPENING, there was no opera to be found anywhere! Also they spelt “Capital” wrong and I just don’t understand how you can open a hotel without spell checking the title. Apparently, there’s great “crab dishes” at several of the local restaurants, but I’m allergic to shellfish so I was forced to eat the McDonald’s the whole time. Fuck Europe. – J. Jay Jackson

12. Best Western Stamford Plaza

Stamford, CT, the pride of Southern Connecticut, featuring the beautiful Cove Island Park, the historic Palace Theatre and, of course, several shooting locations of the 2011 psychological drama We Need to Talk About Kevin. Stay in comfort as you reflect upon the Tilda Swinton-led film told from the perspective of the mother of a serial killer. You’ll love our continental breakfast and the multitude of TVs throughout the hotel replaying the climatic scene where Kevin kills several of his high school classmates with a bow and arrow! Here you’ll sleep like a baby, but hopefully not an emotional disturbed one like Kevin. –Trinity Slaps

11. Best Western Bumble Bee, AZ


****BW Premier Collection****

10. Blake Hotel, New Orleans

You’ll love staying in The Big Easy at our signature Robert Blake-themed hotel. Loaded with every imaginable amenity and comfort, you’ll adore this beautiful inn dedicated to the celebrated actor and man declared legally liable for the murder of his second wife. We offer a variety of rooms and suites, all Robert Blake themed, including the Baretta Room, the In Cold Blood Room, and, of course, the Bonnie Lee Bakely Got What Was Coming to Her Suite. All hotel fees go toward Robert Blake’s legal bills. We’re sorry! –Trinity Slaps

9. Beamish Hall Country House Hotel, Beamish, England


8. Mt. Hood Oregon Resort, Welches, Oregon

Yelp Review by Margaret B. from Rancho Cucamonga, CA:

Can you hear that? It’s fucking talking to me, the voice bellowing from the A/C unit. I’ll find it and fucking bury it. I can smell the voice, why can’t you?

7. Prestige Beach House, Kelowna, British Columbia

My uncle drank himself to death here. Before you get too upset, death is the ultimate sleep, so it’s a compliment! My uncle haunts the place but he doesn’t do anything scary, just turns on reruns of “Love It or List It.” You going to stay here or what? – Trinity Slaps

6. Saga Hotel Oslo, Norway

A word of warning: If you stay here, you’ll finally have to figure out what a fjord is. Maybe it’s a dragon or a fun pastry? Or maybe it’s probably some kind of spooky guy? Who goddamn knows. I don’t need this. – Trinity Slaps

5. Zante Park Resort & Spa, Zakynthos Island, Greece

Fun Fact: Sometimes they fill those pools with hummus and tzatziki. But that’s only if you ask nicely, they feel like it or they are compelled by traveler’s curse. – Trinity Slaps

4. V Hotel Helsingborg, Sweden

Savvy travelers know that when it comes to hotels along Sweden’s coast, the V Hotel is the crown jewel. With luxurious anemeties like an infinity pool and a private VIP lounge, it’s not hard to see why.

By all accounts, the V Hotel is one of the best hotels in Sweden. In fact, some publications have ranked it in the top ten hotels in all of Europe! But if you’re planning on booking a reservation, make sure you contact the right V Hotel. There is another “V Hotel” not but two blocks from the actual V Hotel, which, as you can imagine, makes for a lot of confusion. In actuality, the other “V Hotel” is really meant to be read as the “U Hotel,” as the front sign is written in the style of old medieval stone etchings, which commonly used V’s as U’s. You’d think the other “V Hotel” would change the sign and eliminate the confusion, but instead, they’ve doubled down hard. By hiring ruthless SEO mercenaries who use every dirty trick in the book, they’ve managed to siphon away an estimated $70 million from the real V Hotel. Which is a shame, because, again, this is a fantastic hotel.

So do your research!

Danny “Jeffrey” Dahmer, host of Travel Channel’s “Backpackin’!”

3. Orakai Cheonggyesan Hotel, Seoul, South Korea

From ParasiteFan47‘s Yelp review:

Really bummed I didn’t see Bong Joon Ho my whole time in Korea. How big is Korea anyway? Figured I’d bump into him at least once over the course of a week. Oh well, I tried talking to the concierge about Squid Games but she kept recommending a sushi restaurant to me. What a pain in the ass. So I went to this sushi place and started eating and then this chef broad touched my hand and I fell asleep and woke up in this other hotel room without windows and eventually they let me out after fifteen years. 2/5 stars.

2. Esplanade Boutique Hotel, Paestum, Italy

As you probably guessed by my name, I myself am an Italian-American. Proud Italian-American, one who, like a lot of us, had never been to Italy. My dumb family wanted to go Hawaii instead, so I told my wife, I said, “Janice, these are my people! I need to discover my roots!” and she was like, “The kids want to go to Hawaii, we booked the flight months ago! It’s such a long plane ride and you know about my headaches at high elevations cause of my work in that plastics factory.” Wow, Janice is usually pretty chill but she was being a real selfish dickhead. I promptly told her to fuck herself and that she can keep the shitty kids, and on a crazy whim, decided to board a plane to Italy. So good for me! I’m sitting here at the pool of Best Western Premier Esplanade Boutique Hotel in Paestum, Italy, eating a caprese salad skewer or something and I’m ABSOLUTELY PANICKING. OH MY GOD, I FUCKED UP SO BAD. I ABANDONED MY WIFE AND CHILDREN AT THE AIRPORT TO CHASE SOME DUMB MID-LIFE CRISIS DREAM ABOUT FINDING MY ROOTS IN ITALY AND IT’S BEEN FIVE DAYS AND I HAVEN’T EVEN VENTURED OUTSIDE THE POOL AREA. SHE HASN’T CALLED ME, HOLY SHIT, SHE HASN’T CALLED ME. THIS IS REALLY BAD. OH MAN, OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER, THIS IS LIKE PERMANENT…I PERMANENTLY FUCKED THIS UP. OH GOD, NO. PLEASE ANYONE, CALL MY WIFE AND APOLOGIZE FOR ME! BEG HER TO TAKE ME BACK. 313-911-5857. I JUST TRIED CALLING AND I THINK SHE BLOCKED MY NUMBER. MAYBE I’LL TRY THE KIDS, ACTUALLY YEAH, SHE BLOCKED MY NUMBER ON THEIR PHONES TOO. OH SHIT, I GOT THREE MISSED CALLS FROM HER LAWYER FRIEND, RICK. OH no. – Marco Testicliano, Sr.

1. Les Violettes Hotel & Spa Alsace, Jungholtz, France

Back when I was candy flipping my way through Eastern Europe in summer of 2003, I saw some really weird shit. From thirty-person orgies on ĂŽle de Levant beach to summer bobsledding in Latvia, nothing held a candle to the night I experienced in the Best Western Premiere Les Violettes Hotel & Spa Alsace in Jungholtz, France. When I entered I was met by a large, hairy man in a hangman’s mask. He gave me a pig’s mask and asked me to surrender my clothes. I complied. To my surprise, he threw them into a fire place and demanded I put on my mask. “You’re no longer a person” he said to me in French, “You are number 7!” He then dipped his entire forearm into a pot of red liquid and smeared a crude 7 on my chest, stopping right at the start of my pubic hair. He opened a large steel gate and when he did, a red siren flashed and a loud alarm whistled. Over the intercom, I heard “New Arrival” in five different languages – English, French, some kind of Asian, Spanish, and what I’m guessing was Russian? He grabbed a towel and started whipping my bare ass so hard I thought he drew blood.

To escape the lash, I ran into this giant, neon-colored arena where other “piggies” were running around screaming in terror, naked as the day they were born. What were they running from?! That’s when I saw it. A giant golf cart driven by a madman with silver fox hair. As he came closer and started cattle-prodding Piggie #3, I began to recognize him. Oh man, is this who I think it is? I’m afraid of revealing his identity and getting sued but let’s just say this person is a really famous TV actor who played Sam Malone in Cheers. “Oh fuck, it’s Becker!” Piggie #6 said before getting cattle prodded by another famous sitcom star known for Seinfeld and Veep. “Eat my grits, hog pussy!” she maniacally screamed while delivering jolt after jolt of electricity.

At this point I was in a conflicting state of fear and euphoria. I was absolutely horrified by the kind of hedonistic, Roman-esque brutality these celebs were engaging in, but at the same time, I have to admit, I was really starstruck. These people are my heroes! Just as I was thinking about that Seinfeld episode where Elaine dances like an injured pirate, I heard a loud “Ahoy matey!” in a really familiar voice. I turn back to see a three-time Academy Award winning actor from As Good as It Gets and Batman, on a golf-cart fashioned to look like a pirate ship with a really famous actress from Bridget Jones’ Diary. They plow right into me at ten miles per hour and injure my leg. “You’re clogging up my ocean, swine boy!” he yelled and zapped me with a cattle prod. I crawled off to safety where I witnessed every member of that band named after the southern vegetable dish that had that huge hit Let’s Get It Started, slapping and pouring milk on Piggie #1 who was nervously giggling and repeating, “I fucking love you guys.”

I managed to crawl into a dark, abandoned hallway where I thought I’d be left alone. On my hands and knees, I accidentally tripped this wire which sounded another alarm. Oh shit. In the distance I heard a golf cart hauling ass and loud music. The music was coming from the golf cart. Familiar. Yes, I’ve heard this. I know this song. Oh fuck. You gotta be shitting me. “Wicki-wild, Wicki-wild, Wicki-wild….” Then I saw him, in a gorgeous white suit and rose-tinted shades, tall as shit even sitting down, laughing his ass off while singing along to his own goddamn hit. “Wicki-wicki wild-wild West, Jim West, Desperado, Rough Rider, no you don’t want nada…” He beat the fucking shit out of me.

Afterwards, when we stopped bleeding, and the human Gods had dined, we were let into the main hall for a free autograph signing. It was a bit awkward but the sitcom actor turned movie and music megastar, who just hours ago beat the shit out of me, put it best, “Hey look, I now it’s weird we just brutally assaulted all ya’ll and stripped you butt-ass naked, I mean, your little peckers are still out, danglin’ around!” he started to laugh a bit. “But in all seriousness, we want you to know that we’re actually big fans of you guys, because your support allows us to keep making the art we do, as well as protect our families.” With this he put his head down. He lifted a single finger to wipe away the single tear he produced. “Nothing but love. Nothing but respect. So that’s why we ALL agreed to sign headshots for you for the next five minutes.” After that, all the celebs, about twenty of them to be honest, stood up and started applauding us. I think he thought they were applauding him cause he began bowing and exclaiming, “thank you!” It was fucking weird, man. – Arlos Encia




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