Look, even I haven’t seen everything. I don’t see everything. I can’t. There’s too much stuff. Especially now. And while I like to make it a point to see the biggest movies that get released and are the biggest part of the social conversation, sometimes I just can’t find it in me to give a shit. So, I spent the money I would spend on seeing this so obviously lame slice of slit on getting my buddy, Nathan, to review this movie for me. So without any further ado, here is Nathan…

NATHAN’S REVIEW

I’m going to be straight up with you, reader: This movie contains zero Waluigi

I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I feel it’s my moral obligation to inform you of that.

We are instead presented with a movie where two schmucks who couldn’t run a lemonade stand have to defeat an incel turtle in order to save their awful plumbing business. Peach is there. Diddy Kong is there. Hell, even Kranky Kong is there.

Sadly; devastatingly; I waited two hours in a theater full of fucking casual fans (they probably got their mommy & daddy to pay for the Switch port of Super Mario Bros. U!) but the “Wah!” never came.

For that reason alone, I rate the movie 0/5

I don’t blame Nintendo for fumbling the bag on their first go around. So what if the movie was a complete failure? I give them credit for trying.

Instead of being a toxic fan, I’m going to list all the reasons Waluigi should be included in the NEXT Mario movie:

-The first representation of the Italianx community in video games

-Vegan

-Hates himself

-7’7″ tall, with rumors that he calls “it” The Anaconda (let’s confirm this Nintendo)

-Kind of evil

-Waluigi has never forgotten 9/11 and it would’ve gone down differently if he was on that plane

-Underrated poet (you will cry)

-Historical expert on Steely Dan’s seminal 1980 album “Gaucho”

-Thinks people who don’t “reply all” to work emails are the devil

-Close personal friends with “The Pauls” (Verhoeven / Schrader / Phoenix)

-Arrested for protesting the removal of Subway’s $5 Footlong program

-Will never kink shame you

As you can clearly see, the true fans were robbed of the experience they deserved, but there’s always room for second chances.

All things considered, I’m just happy the other mindless idiots in the theater were able to enjoy the movie, even if they did miss a big chunk because their parents took them to the bathroom twelve times.

Despite its lack of the most important and central character in the Mario universe, the audience did not seem to mind. When Mario said “Mamma Mia!”, they laughed. When Donkey Kong did the Seth Rogen laugh, they laughed too. I suppose there’s something to be said for that. Perhaps the power of cinema –the spectacle of the big screen– is enough on it’s own. As for myself, I’m still holding out hope that an auteur such as Lana Wachowski or Jane Campion will take the Mario franchise to new heights. Grade: F