Last week I brought you a movie review from my childhood of the M. Night Shyamalan catastrophe Lady in the Water. It was positive and tone-deaf, exactly what you’d expect out of a 16-year-old jackass like myself.

This week I was going to bring you another tone-deaf review, this time on Best Picture winner Crash (2004), but I found something curious when poking through an old email account. I found some awkward creative assignments from my Junior year of high school. Enjoy…

Select Scene from “Christopher” (2006) a Junior Year Creative Writing Assignment

INT. Christopher’s Office – NIGHT

CHRISTOPHER sits at his Maplewood desk reading an enticing article on the mating habits of the South African iguana in the latest issue of National Geographic. Christopher seems a bit nervous as if something is bothering him. CHRISTOPHER looks up to someone OC, as the camera pans towards the office door where a short, sporty, female of Hispanic descent, KELLY, waits anxiously. Camera pans back to CHRISTOPHER who has now closed his National Geographic magazine.

CHRISTOPHER

You really want to know what happened to me, Kelly? Okay, I’ll tell you. I grew up in a very rich family, and because they were rich I really just…f*cking resented them. I played their bullsh*t games for a while, but then I decided I needed to just get out, you know? Bail. Just get the hell outta there and clear my mind. Become one with nature, you know? So…for two years I traveled around the country to Colorado, California, with little funds. I hitchhiked my way around because i felt in order to truly find myself, you know, my TRUE self, I had to get by on the bare minimum and sleep with Mother Earth. I met really…interesting and unique people along the way, but…I dunnom out there…I thin one doesn’t really find himself until he strips away all material bullsh*t possessions. When I got to Alaska…I almost died. I don’t really want to delve into what happened there. Just know, I was on the verge of death. That’s when they came…

Camera pans on KELLY, whose face looks conflicted. She speaks.

KELLY

Who came?

CHRISTOPHER

(pause, glares directly into Kelly’s undeniably beautiful big caramel colored eyes) The search and rescue team. Five guys, one girl, the leader was this gigantic Panamanian guy named…Zack? Zeke? Something with a ‘Z’, I dunno, that’s not important. (pause) Turns out my father…along with working for NASA, had ties to the FBI. He was a technical advisor, or something, for them. But also, and here’s the killer, Jim Gallien, the guy who picked me up hitchhiking, was an undercover FBI agent investigating a heroin crime syndicate in Alaska. Supposedly, he knew my father and still had ties with him. Supposedly he’d met me before briefly at a….freakin’ stupid cocktail party that my parents had sometime when I was 12! It’s unbelievable and practically implausible, but he recognized me. He recognized me enough to tell my father, who ended up commissioning a search and rescue crew. I still don’t know how they found me…it’s just…fate I guess. I wasn’t supposed to die there…no way, no how, Kelly. When I got back, I realized the person, my true self, I was searching for out there in the wild…was with me all along.

Silence fills CHRISTOPHER’s office and we pan on KELLY’s face that is exploding with disbelief because of the far-fetched and unbelievable tale she has just heard. Camera pans tight on CHRISTOPHER’s face.

CHRISTOPHER

So…is that all you wanted to know?

My 2020 Thoughts…

1. So this is like a giant, overcrowded Into the Wild rip-off with the FBI, NASA, heroin and a female character so obviously based on my crush.

2. God, how many times did I say “You know?” Ughhh.

3. I love all the detail on what Christopher is reading. I think at this time I didn’t realize that screenplays weren’t like novels and didn’t explain in detail what a character is reading if it has no bearing on the actual plot of the story. The mating habits of the South African iguana? Was I high?

4. LOL “OC” = off-camera

5. I love how this character is so transparent about his feelings. I’ve seen more nuance in a Burger King commercial.

6. Kelly isn’t even character, she’s just a sounding board for this verbose asshole. Michael, come on, you had female friends back then, A LOT of female friends! You can’t write a three dimensional female character?!

7. Why does he have to be Panamanian?

8. I wonder if Jim Gallien was someone I knew, sounds like Jim Gaffigan which makes sense, I loved hot pockets back then.

9. Meeting some guy at a cocktail party when you’re 12….

10. WOWOWOWOWOW. The person I’m searching for is…myself. What a development, Michael, you fat stupid bitch.

11. I like how I never question why this woman gives a shit.

12. NEW TAG —

Christopher: So…is that all you wanted to know?

Kelly: Look, I just came in here for paper clips, bro.

13. So this is like a straight up rip-off of Into the Wild. I don’t get it, was the assignment to rip off this novel. What the fuck is going on?

14. Did I plagiarize this? Was I a stealer? Did I think I would get away with this? How did I not fail this? I might have to reach out to my old creative writing teacher. Think I’ll tag him in this…

Grade: F as in Fake as in I’m a Fucking Plagiarizer Apparently, Goddamnit