I paid someone $11 to Watch and Review the new American Pie and then I also watched it

Two weeks ago, I began a goof on here asking if anybody would watch this sure to wretched eighth American Pie sequel and nobody responded. A week ago, I asked again and still nothing. Finally over Thanksgiving weekend I get a DM from an old acquaintance of mine from high school up to the challenge. I was a bit nervous he was just fucking with me based on the severity of our last correspondence 11 years ago where he called me the c-word.

I was optimistic still that this brash hooligan could whip up a couple of useable sentences for Margetis Movie Reviews. What I got was a very well written essay that hits on just about every aspect of Girls’ Rules I would have and some more stuff….

If you’re anything like me, you remember American Pie for a few stupid but fun things: a bunch of hot 25+ year old actors playing high school students, a lot of sex-based slapstick comedy, and a lil bit of boobies with the nipple out. (And before we get any further, I want to say this- there was absolutely no nipple in this movie, and that was a massive disappointment). But I also remember a lot of problematic shit: homophobia, predatory men doing whatever it took to get laid, and frequent and humiliating sexual abuse in the context of frat houses and naked runs and other stupid bullshit. That’s why the writers of American Pie: Girls Rules set out to flip the script, by putting four empowered women at the center of the story instead of the usual dickheads. Unfortunately they fucked it up, because the four sexual predators that the story centers around are easily as morally corrupt as Seann William Scott‘s original Stifler.

I’ll go through them quick: there’s Annie (Madison Pettis), ostensibly the protagonist of the story. There’s really nothing about her, except that she’s really hot and still a virgin. They make a big deal about this. The first scene has her crawling through the mud so she can suck off her boyfriend using an absolutely disgusting dental dam. She gets a wedgie on a fence and there’s a long shot of her bare ass. I’m just trying to give you a sense for the level of comedy here. The best part about her is that her Dad is an absolute smokeshow- easily the hottest person in the movie. Then there’s Kayla (Piper Curda), the most sexually abusive of the bunch, and that’s saying something. She’s crazy, she’s Asian, and she’s selfish as fuck. I specifically noted 6 separate instances of predatory behavior from Kayla. Next is Michelle (Natasha Behnam), the least problematic. Her only thing is that she’s always got vibrators and dildos and stuff falling out of her holes all the time. I got my first real laugh of the whole movie when she was introduced- jerking it to a JFK speech on the TV. She’s the fat one, which seems like a woke choice until she does a Kevin James-style fat fall against a locker about halfway through (my second laugh of the movie). Finally there’s Stephanie Stifler (Lizze Broadway), I guess related to the original Stifler, maybe. She’s such an asshole that she pelts a guy with a fucking lacrosse ball in the head for absolutely no reason then laughs about it. And then spends the rest of the movie literally stalking this dude.

I’ll save you the finer plot points- they’re not worth it. Basically the movie is about all of them getting fucked before prom. Mostly it’s about Annie getting fucked by her boyfriend who just moved off to college, leaving her behind in high school for her senior year (you know exactly where that’s going and I assure you there are no surprises). They basically all end up going after the same guy named Grant, AKA budget Dave Franco (Darren Barnet). This dude must teleport or something because he is in like every scene. The continuity on this movie is not great. I have a theory that he’s a demon who has appeared out of thin air to feed off of the sexual energies of these horny assholes, and there is no evidence in the film to suggest otherwise. His mom is also a demon who happens to be the school’s new principal. She’s hot for Annie’s hot smokeshow dad, and in honestly that’s the most compelling plot line of the rest of the movie.

Anyway, the rest of the shit is really just so goddamn predictable. They all go for Grant without knowing it, there’s some situational comedy, they fucking do some dumb shit, there’s NO NIPPLE AT ALL, even though there are so many titties on camera. That part really got me.

There are a couple of redeeming qualities- mainly strong performances from secondary characters in Annie’s hot dad Kevin (Ed Quinn) and budget Dave Franco’s Mom, Ellen (Sara Rue). There were a couple of gags between the two that got me, especially one montage where they’re spraying each other with water hoses.

There’s also a healthy amount of sex positivity around masturbation, and a racially diverse cast. So it gets a few wokeness points. But these points are quickly squandered when you consider the following: there’s an argument to be made that this movie fails the Bechdel test. Which is a seriously impressive feat, considering that it has four female protagonists. The problem is that the only thing they ever fucking talk about is getting fucked by dudes, or fucking themselves with dildos. It all hinges on if you consider a conversation about picking out the right dildo for tele-sexing your boyfriend to be “about a man”. An obvious remedy to this issue would be to include low-hanging fruit off of the wokeness tree via some lesbians. But unbelievably, in a movie made in 2020 centered entirely around teenage sex there is not one homosexual character represented.

In summary, it didn’t fix anything, and may have actually moved backwards on gender and sexuality issues. At least the old ones weren’t trying. Grade: D

My Response

This movie is pretty believable in that it’s totally plausible the eighth American Pie sequel would be this awful. [NAME REDACTED] hit on all the reversed gender roles, which actually serve to make it even more misogynistic, points I wanted to hit on and [NAME REDACTED] really gave a deeper dive into the four main characters than I was expecting. My friend Brynn, who I was “enjoying” this movie with, pointed out that Girls’ Rules fails the Bechdel test. The only two things I think [NAME REDACTED] didn’t expand on was Sara Rue’s dildo enthusiast principal and Danny Trejo‘s inexplicably dialogue-free cameo. Let me do that here…

So ginger character actor Sara Rue brings a bizarre energy to the proceedings as a sex-positive but also fairly selfish character who is nailing Annie’s dad. We first meet her at a sex shop where she’s helping Annie and her JFK-obsessed friend buy vibrating underpants. She is extremely sex positive here, and maybe a lot creepy, so it’s a big surprise when it turns out she’s the new principal at their school after some perv who was sexually harassing students got fired….as well as tied up and whipped by Steph Stifler in a dominatrix suit. This character is positioned to be the beacon of light for these students navigating their no-no parts, but she comes across as this self-absorbed bitch that really only cares what she’s getting out of the situation. She seems super pre-occupied with her phone when JFK-creamer comes to see her for help and she’s insensitively blunt about fucking Annie’s dad to Annie. She also eats up all the ice cream in their house and doesn’t even pour it into a bowl. She just scoops out chunks from the carton and stands around the fridge eating it like she owns the place. Fuck you lady, this isn’t your house. Get the fuck out!

Danny Trejo, as I said, has a cameo as a janitor with absolutely no lines. Camera just randomly cuts to him mopping or running into a main character with a mop bucket or doing a little dance in a turkey costume? (what the fuck was that?) at their Prom or something. It isn’t until the post credits scene where he has his big moment, walking in on Principal Naughty and Annie’s Dad doing it. He turns looks over his shoulder to camera and says “We’re gonna need a bigger mop!” I wish I was kidding but I’m not.

The only photo I could find of Danny Trejo in this.

American Pie is a franchise that reveals the worst parts of ourselves from before #metoo. It gleefully cheers on teenage sexual predators in their noble pursuit to “snag a slice”while shitting on homosexuals and failing to represent characters of color. However, audiences love this franchise and critics adored the original, so I doubt we’ll be seeing the last of Stephanie Stifler and her draconian lacrosse practices or the JFK girl and her insane, politically charged underage sex. Danny Trejo might even stop by again to give us another mop zinger. In closing, please don’t support this movie with your time or money. That’s why we laid everything out for you in this review, so you could choose a future where these movies don’t exist. Grade: F

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