This is a segment where I review movie reviews written by me as a child. This one is pretty bad, but I’m sure Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous ages even worse. Maybe not worse than the opening line of the review. Yikes guys, I’m on a first class ticket to Cancelled Town.
Written August 8, 2005, when I was 15 years old:
Miss Congenitalia 2: The Film That Never Should Have Been Made
Calling Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous bad is like calling the Holocaust bad. It’s not bad, it’s f&^*$king horrendous! Yep, this incredible waste of film definitely goes down in my book as one of the worst films I’ve ever gazed my eyes upon. I viewed this cinematic trash on an airplane back home from Spain (it was a nine hour flight). During the course of the film, I was tempted to unplug my airline headphones and twiddle my thumbs the rest of the flight home. In retrospect, that would have been less painful then having to endure the severely overrated Sandra Bullock stumble her way through a movie so bad that Gene Shalit didn’t even like it. But, I kept watching the picture (I shouldn’t even call it a picture really, it should be referred to as crap) in hopes that it would some how miraculously get better and at least a tad bit interesting. I was wrong. Oh my God, I was wrong!
This lackluster of a film follows the original Miss Congeniality‘s Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) and her struggle with being a celebrity in the F.B.I. Her previous ‘Miss Congeniality’ win at the Miss United States pageant some years ago has effected her sloppy to begin with undercover work. Everyone is noticing her as Gracie Hart and it’s affecting her performance to catch the bad guys. When her best friend and winner of the Miss United States pageant is abducted suddenly along with William Shatner‘s character of the first film, Gracie decides she needs to solve the case. The bureau wants her to be the figure head of the F.B.I., and attend all these press junkets. Gracie decides to skip the press meetings and try to retrieve her friend instead. She is helped along the way by a mean and scary looking female F.B.I. agent played by Regina Hall (you may remember her startling performance as Ray Charles‘ girlfriend on the side in last year’s Oscar winner ‘Ray‘), and a young, by-the-book wimpy F.B.I. detective played by Without A Trace‘s Enrique Marciano. Will Gracie Hart get back her friend in time? Who the f****ck cares?! The film is so poorly written, poorly directed and poorly acted that by the time you find out what happens in the end, most viewers will probably be asleep. This piece of crap also stars Treat Williams, Elisabeth Roam, Ernie Hudson and David Proval, who you may remember as Richie Aprile in HBO’s hit The Sopranos. Hudson, Roam, Williams and Proval are all very good actors, but the really blow in this. I found it kind of offensive that an abomination like Miss Congenitalia 2 wasted the time of such good performers.
In conclusion, stay as far away as you can from this movie. Sandra Bullock gives her worst performance in this, a performance of such low quality it’s impossible for me to describe to you how bad it is in words. No wonder Benjamin Bratt didn’t return for this sequel (smart move, buddy!) Take my advice, if you are flipping through channels on your TV one day and come across this, turn the channel quickly because one second of this stupid film, and your I.Q. might drop twenty points. Grade: F
my ratings guide – A+ (absolutley flawless); A (a masterpiece, near-perfect); A- (excellent); B+ (great); B (very good); B- (good); C+ (a mixed bag); C (average); C- (disappointing); D+ (bad); D (very bad); D- (absolutley horrendous); F (not one redeeming quality in this hunk of Hollywood feces).
My 2020 Assessment:
God, I hate myself.
Not only was I a nasty little shit, I was also a terrible writer who apparently, never heard of commas. Here are some stray thoughts:
1 – WOW. That opening line. Trivializing the Holocaust, bet your ancestors are proud, Mike! Also what a lazy way to say something is bad. “It’s as bad as literally the worst thing that has ever happened, ever!”
2 – Way to brag about your Spanish vacation, Mike. You’ve also never twiddled your thumbs in your life.
3 – “Severely overrated Sandra Bullock.” Confession time – I was actually Donald Trump when I was 15.
4 – I say ‘crap’ as much as a 60 year old man here.
5 – LOL read that as “has effected her sloppy” end of thought
6 – Affect? Effect?
7 – How is Regina Hall, the most likeable presence in movies, scary? Am I being low-key racist here? Is this my grandpa talking? She’s great in Support the Girls, check it out! Support that girl!
8 – Regina Hall‘s performance in Ray was “startling“, again I don’t know why I was afraid of her.
9 – LOL gotta love the Without a Trace, Thursday’s on CBS reference! Loved that show as a kid, on par with The Wire.
10 – More ‘crap’
11 – You may remember David Proval from the most popular show in television history. HBO is calling it a hit.
12 – “They’re all really good performers, but they blow in this!” hahahahahaha, way with words, Mike.
13 – “It’s impossible for me to describe to you how bad it is in words.” I think you solved that problem with your Holocaust opener, Mike.
14 – WOW. So gathering photos for this post I realized the actress is not Regina Hall but Academy Award Winner Regina King. Michael, you little racist piece of shit.
Look, I’m really, really sorry. I’m sorry to the internet, I’m sorry to Sandra Bullock, I’m sorry to people who properly use commas. I’m sorry to everyone who had to read that. I think I’m going to make a donation to the US Holocaust Memorial Museum this weekend. I encourage you all to do the same.